The Daily Life.

Vivid Dreams on Effexor...whoa.

2010-05-12T11:54:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had a dream that just bothered you for the rest of the day after you woke up? I have been having those lately. My dreams are so vivid, it is a side effect of my anxiety meds. I don't mind it at all, but when the dreams are so weird, I wake up and think about them all day. I had a crazy dream last night that I keep thinking about, I just had to write about it because it is really that crazy.

I was dreaming that I was shopping with my friend and her mom and my mom called me on my cell phone. She told me that another country was releasing another missel that was going to hit us. She said it was going to be stronger then the one that hit us before. Well, with that I remembered in my dream about one that hit before and it turned our sky orange for a few days. (it was like I had that dream before...and I think I did...and then remembered it in my dream, if that makes any sense at all) I told my mom "omg this is going to kill us, I know it, we are all going to die" and I was trying to get home to Andrew and Xavier before it hit. CNN was saying that this country was going to launch it towards us at 9pm that night.

It was just so weird because these dreams that I have been having are like continuations of other dreams, and I do not remember that I had the dream until I have the other one then I remember in my sleep...does that make sense? Does anyone else do this? It is starting to kinda freak me out that I am having these kind of dreams, and they are so vivid I can remember the littlest things. Sometimes I have to really think if I dreamed something or if it really happened. I know it is this medicine (effexor to be exact) so if anyone else is on this and having this happen to them feel free to email me or leave me messages. I do not mind the dreams, but waking up thinking that the world is going to end is kinda scary! haha.

Leave me some weird dreams you have been having lately.

Seriously!

2010-05-07T13:52:00.003-04:00

Do I seriously not make myself clear enough to my husband...seriously! He keeps his laptop sitting on the coffee table, which is fine...IF OUR CHILD DIDN'T EAT HIS BREAKFAST AND LUNCH THERE EVERYDAY! Its just easier to feed him there, because then I can watch him, and he picks, so he wants to play and eat, and that is fine for me...also who am I kidding, it's more convenient for me. A few months ago, Xavier spilled milk all over the table..and of course the laptop. I told him what happened and told him that I am not changing what I am doing, he needs to change where he puts his laptop. Do you think he stopped...of course not. Well, today apple juice is spilled all over the coffee table and once again all over the laptop. Do you think I am going to move this laptop for him....hell no. Its not my problem that you keep your laptop there. Soo annoying!

nikki

- this close to going insane today

2010-05-07T11:18:00.004-04:00

I just do not have time to be a stay at home mom, I mean, I do not have time to do stay at home mom chores! haha. (like im soo busy) but I seriously am. I just looked ahead on my last 3 weeks of classes...and I have a lot of readings to do. The readings wouldn't be so bad, but I am the type that takes notes on EVERYTHING...well I looked ahead and the week of my finals...each class has me reading 2 chapters. I just don't have time to take all these notes! SO....I am trying to get all my classwork for the week done today...that way I can get a head start on my upcoming readings. Geesh, is there anyway that I can mute my toddler and get this stuff done? Then as I am sitting here trying to do this Xavier gets this bright idea that he just needs to stop playing and sit on my lap. Its never ending of not getting stuff done. If I can just pause life around me and I can sit here for 2 hours and get stuff done life would be wonderful. Or if I can hire a maid and a nanny to work around me while I do school work....lol....but then what would be the point of me staying home!

I know I could clean this whole living room in about 1/2 hour...but yet I am still sitting here, maybe I should just do it and get it over with and just hope to goodness it still looks clean when Andrew gets home...or maybe I should just wait and do it later this afternoon when there is a better chance of it looking clean, but I like a clean house when I am studying. Shit, maybe I should just take a nap and forget everything. lol.

Xavier has this new thing that makes me crazy, he picks up random stuff around the house and when I go to take it away from him he puts it close to him and says "its mine" and then runs. He has to know how mad it makes me, seriously I want to scream as soon as I hear "its mine". Im like "that tampon is not yours" I say things throughout the day that I never thought I would ever say. I never thought I would have to say "tuck your penis back in" or "when your penis sticks up like that you will pee in your face" seriously?!

Nikki

Did I brush my teeth today?

2010-05-06T17:29:00.003-04:00

Have you ever had a day that has been so busy that you stop in the middle of the day and say "did I brush my teeth this morning?" Ugh. This being a stay at home mom thing is really hard, and is really starting to take a toll on me. Do not get me wrong, I love it...I love being home with my little one all day and all that fun stuff, but I do need some adult interaction. I just said "get out of my purse" a total of 5 times in a row and then screamed it until I got the boys attention. Seriously, I do not know how I am still sane. My husband doesn't get why sometimes I just need to leave when he gets home and go for a drive. I actually go walk around Walgreens. I am surprised they haven't asked me why I spend so much time there. I just need that quiet time. I seriously sometimes just scream at the top of my lungs sometimes, then Xavier looks at me like I am crazy. Now he just laughs when I do it. Am I the only stay at home mom that feels this way?!

CLEANING! I am fed up. I don no even want to do it anymore. What is the point, I can clean my whole house in the morning then by the time Andrew gets home it looks like I have done nothing. Seriously, if anyone walked in my house right now they would think that I have not cleaned at all....but I did....and that is what ticks me off. Seriously, this place is crazy messy and I can not take it much more. I am sick of cleaning cleaning cleaning. What the fuck is the point when it just gets messy again.

Wonder why I am crazy? My son just pushed the screen out of the window and I am just sitting here watching him. I know he cant crawl out so why the hell should I get up and fix it? He is terrified of bugs, I hope a huge ass spider comes crawling in, then I wont have to waste my breath on telling him not to touch.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

okay.
nikki

"Sinful Colors Professional" Nail Polish

2010-05-05T11:47:00.002-04:00

I always have to find time to write about products that I find work really nice. I have been meaning to blog about "Sinful Colors Professional" Nail Polish for a few weeks, and I made time to do it today. Let me start by telling everyone that you can get this product at Walgreens for $3.99 but they usually have it on sale for cheaper. Honestly, I would pay a lot more for this nail polish because it is the best nail polish I have ever used.

Let me first start by telling you about the colors. This line has every color you can imagine. From black to blue to yellow to green. They even have a very pretty Aqua color that I am dying to try. They even have all this awesome colors with glitter. I am not too much of a glitter person but I did try the dark purple with glitter and it was just as nice as the rest.

Chipping? I always have this problem, especially because I am an online student and I am always typing on the computer. I only wear dark nail polish if I wear any at all...and I could never find a brand of dark nail polish that didn't chip after the first day of wearing it. Well, this brand is THE BEST yet again. I put on 3 coats of black nail polish on last Sunday I did not have to touch up a chip until THURSDAY. For me, that is wonderful. And when I touched it up I just put a little bit of polish where the chip was. There was no need to redo all my nails because there was only one chip! I do not know what they do to this nail polish, but it seriously is the best.

I would suggest this nail polish to anyone on the go...and that loves awesome colors. They have normal everyday colors too, if you are not into the brights and darks. If anyone else ever used this leave me comments and tell me if you have had the same experience with it. I seriously have a collection going, and I refuse to use any other nail polish...!

Remember...Walgreens, Sinful Colors Professional $3.99 *at the most*

Nikki

I hate ignorant people...especially females.

2010-04-29T22:50:00.002-04:00

I can not say it enough, please do not come at me and try to make yourself look good if you are uneducated about a topic that I am talking about. It really ticks me off. It all started yesterday on my facebook page. I posted some lame status message wondering who signed me up for Obama emails. Well it started that my cousin by marriage writes "do not blame the black man" or some stupid crap like that. I wrote back that I was not blaming the "black" man I was blaming the democratic man. Whatever. He isn't even "black" he is half black but whatever, it doesn't matter. I then go on to talk about how I do not agree with his health care. This girl couldn't even give me a good political debate. She begins to attack me personally...it was so obvious it was about a certain situation and when I called her out on it she denied it. The girl did not even have enough balls to stand up and say "it was about you". There was a whole situation with another cousin, and I know she has wanted to stick her nose into the situation for awhile and say something to me, so she took advantage of this post to do it. I can not stand uneducated people. Seriously, do not use politics to call me out on something personal, it makes you look like a complete idiot. I love politics, and I love a good debate, I would never hold anything against anyone for their views, everyone has different views. I guess I am just mature like that. Seriously though, if you want to call me out on something, feel free to do it, but do not think I am going to let you do it and not say something back to you. Also, do not attempt to call me out on something that was not your business in the first place. Get over yourself, you are ugly, ghetto, and jealous.

Please get over yourself.

Nikki

Truely Happy.

2010-04-27T11:40:00.002-04:00

In my health/science class we are talking about the effects of being obese and how it can cause you to die early yada yada yada. Someone in my class posted how her sister is obese and they are always getting on her to lose weight and watch what she eats. This women also goes on to say how she knows this women is not happy and is faking her happiness. I of course had to respond. I have been overweight all my life...big deal, I have always been healthy, all my tests have come out good, blood pressure fine and I was always happy with myself. I never had a problem getting boyfriends, I was always happy with myself. I loved being "thick". When I saw someone writing an assumption that an overweight/obese person could not be happy with themselves it just made me so angry. This lady also brought up the fact that over weight women could not find cute clothes. I always find cute clothes...they might be a few sizes bigger but who cares? I wrote back stating that I find cute clothes and that assuming that someones size measures their happiness is just ignorant. Do not get me wrong, everyone gets into a funk every now and then about their size...you can be a size 0 or size 26 and still get like that, but your size should not effect your overall happiness. I also truely believe that you can be overweight or obese and still be healthy. I was all those years, my blood pressure was always normal and such. It was not until recently that my blood pressure started going up, I got blood clots after my c-section and little things like that, that my weight started to concern me...which is why I am meeting with a surgeon tomorrow about gastric bypass. I am only doing that for health reasons, not appearance. I truely could be the size that I am for the rest of my life and be happy...but I do want to be around for my son as long as possible and also be around for my husband.

I think overall I just can not stand ignorant people. Once I do get my surgery and lose some weight, I am not going to be one of those judge mental people that assume "fat people" are depressed. It is just simply not true, and wrong. I will always stand up for the overweight because I have been there. I am there right now. Judging someone by their weight is the same as judging someone by their race, their height, anything like that....and it is just simply uncalled for, and makes you look like an ignorant piece of shit. (oops did i say that)

Nikki

Not as easy as I though...

2010-04-26T12:22:00.002-04:00

I am so bummed out. I had my first mid-terms in what, 10 years...the first one I took, it is a class that I should of got 100% on, of course I got a C. I was bummed with my C but I could accept it. I took my other test yesterday. I studied my ass off for it, and what did I get....D! How the heck. I took soooo many notes and read my chapters, I knew it and I got a D. Lovely. I think I am more embarrassed then anything because I thought going back to school was going to come easy for me, and that is not the case. I was never a good test taker, I thought after all these years I would get better, but I guess that is just not the case. I am going to have to learn how to study all over again. I think for finals I am going to have to make myself flash cards and stuff like that. I am going to go get stuff tonight and start writing down stuff that I remember on the midterms because I figure if they are on the midterms they will be on the finals too. I just cant believe I did that. I really thought I was going to do good. I am really disappointed. The only good thing, I do feel disappointment and I just don't let it go...I really am learning from my mistakes. I know that I am paying to go to school, its a choice and not like high school where I felt I HAD to be there, I am doing this all on my own, so I am trying to get the best experience, and I want to show everyone that I can do it. I am happy I am hard on myself. Now I just have to be hard on myself for the rest of the class so I keep doing good in my assignments and going to class that way I hopefully can even out my grades.

Everyone thinks that because the midterm is online you can "cheat". I do use my notes, but its not like you can go back and reread the chapters while doing the test, and also the way they word the questions you cant just google the answer, you have to know what they are talking about. It is hard to explain. Another thing, I wouldnt want to cheat in the first place. I am paying to get an education, not to cheat. I want to take the tests on my own and know where my weaknesses are and what I have to learn from. Does that make sense? Sometimes I guess you have to do bad, in order to learn. I am learning.

This past weekend my aunts had an easter egg hunt for all of use older kids...when I say older kids, the youngest was 22...hahahaha. They got prizes and we fought for eggs. I got bit, licked, and wedgied for eggs. They had cheap prizes, money, lotto tickets in the eggs it was fun. Just imagine a bunch of Pollocks running around for easter eggs 3 weeks after easter...and that is my family. HAHA. We all couldnt get together for easter, so we did it late. Ya, Pollock easter egg hunt...shut up! hahaha.

I go this Wednesday to meet with the surgeon that is hopefully going to do my Gastric Bypass surgery in months to come. I am just starting my 6 months, but I am going to meet with him to see if it is even possible for me to get the surgery and to see if it is in my best interest to get it. I hope he says it is but I do realize that I might not be able to get it because I had the Pulmonary Embolism and DVT after my c-section. It is proven though, the better shape you are in the less likely a blood clot is likely to happen again...so I am hoping that is in my favor. I guess I will just have to wait and see Wednesday. I am nervous. I never thought I would want to get a surgery, I was always against "selective" surgeries, but this one is for my health and well being, and also for my family so I am 100% willing to do it. Dont think I am doing it for anyone but me, my family loves me no matter what, this is my decision, but my family is going to have the benefits of it also.

Okay, time for me to go watch some Diego with Xavier. I love this show. Diego and Dora has helped Xavier with his speech so much I cant complain about them.

Nikki

I love school

2010-04-09T11:11:00.002-04:00

I have been soo busy to even begin to update on everything going on. Let me start by talking about school...I LOVE IT. I love being back in school, and I love the University of Phoenix. I know I have only been in for 2 weeks, but I feel like I am actually doing something for myself. I love having deadlines and having to go to class, and just doing using my mind! I was beginning to feel useless just staying at home, watching Xavier all day. I didnt use my mind to do anything other then bills, and I just didnt feel that was healthy. I just feel soo good about myself again.

The one thing that annoys me, I have been reading reviews of University of Phoenix and there are people that talk about how its not a good school, they just give out grades, and that people that go shouldn't be proud of telling people their grades. I dont believe this, because if you don't do the work and go to class to do your discussions you are not going to pass. I am learning a lot so far, and there is a lot of time and energy that you have to put into your classes. I hate hearing how some places will overlook you if you went to an online school....well I dont understand this because all the major colleges and universities are now offering online classes? I am very proud of myself going back to school...even if it is online. I am giving up a lot of time to do this, and I hope no one has anything negative to say about me doing this, because I feel soo happy. I never thought I would have the time to get a degree but I have always wanted to get one, just for myself, and to feel like I have accomplished something for myself to get back into the work force. Sooo..if you are one of those people that think online schools are a joke, I think you should try going back....!

On another note, Xavier is doing well. He is talking soo much these days...he is saying more and more everyday, I cant believe it. I honestly thought he might be slow at talking, but now he just amazes me. I can actually hold a conversation with him during the day and I find it soo funny. I just love this boy.

OMG...I love spring, but I cant stand the amount of spiders that we get in this house. We never have any problems with bugs....but when spring hits...its like all these lil'tan guys come out to play. Xavier is scared to death of them, and omg...they scare me also. I hate them. I just kill them and be done with it. Does anyone know anything that we could do to prevent these little guys surviving in this house? It is making me crazy. I hate spiders.

Okay I gotta get going, I hope I can update some more this weekend. I will try!

Nikki

Tiger Balm Review this stuff is awesome

2010-03-28T23:19:00.002-04:00

Okay, I am going to give my review that I promised for this amazing back stuff called "tiger balm". Here is my background, I woke up 3 weeks ago today and I thought I slept wrong, my back hurt and I couldnt figure out what I did to it. I just let it go and it kept getting worse and worse. I didnt know what to do and finally it got to the point I could barely walk and honestly even bend over. I couldnt pick up toys my house was a wreck...and then my legs went numb...like pins and needles. I went to the er and they told me I was going to have to go to my PCP and they would do an MRI on my back. That happened this past Thursday. My friend told me to try "tiger balm" she swears by it....so I got some Saturday night.

Well....here goes my review of "tiger balm"

My hubby rubbed the "extra strength tiger balm" on my back. Xavier said "stinky" and it honestly does have a strange LOUD smell to it, but nothing unbearable. It heated up, but not to the point it was uncomfy, it was just normal and I actually had the window cracked and the cold breeze felt good on it too. We went to bed, and my son woke up in the middle of the night with the flu (lovely i know) I WAS ACTUALLY ABLE TO SIT UP AND GET OUT OF BED! I even went to WalMart without hurting at 230am! I got back from walmart and Andrew put more on my back, and today....I am not kidding you........my back ache is 95% gone. I dont know what is in this stuff.....but its a miracle. I have some more on right now, and Im going to use it at night for a few more days. Oh ya, it is orange in color and it does say it will stain...so just be aware of that. I would recommend this product to anyone....seriously....it works soo good! I am not one to write blogs about products and such, but I honestly had to let everyone know about this stuff, because seriously just yesterday I couldnt bed over and today I can.....so it really worked well on me!

Okay....tiger balm...I just freaking endorsed your product for free...so if ya'll see this you better keep up with the miracle rub because it is the bestest!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nikki

Back feelin better.....HELLS YEA!

2010-03-27T21:59:00.003-04:00

I am thankful for my prescription of Motrin....it doesn't clear up all my back pain, but it does take the edge off enough for me to sit comfortable and at least get some stuff done. Thank goodness. I am still going to make an appointment with my doctor on Monday, but at least I am somewhat comfy until I get in. I might even hold off a little longer and at least try to ease it on my own like I have been doing. I am just not one to go to the doctor if I don't have. At least the ER gave me Motrin. They tried giving me stronger pain meds, but I told them no, there is just no reason for them because they are not going to take the pain away, they are just going to make me feel high and out of it....not something I feel like dealing with. I bought "Tiger Balm" for Andrew to rub on my lower back tonight, my friend from high school reccomended it for me to get...so I bought the extra strength. I told Andrew to remind me not to get in the shower once it is on, because its like "icey hot" and I dont feel like having an Icey Hott ass. lmao. I will let everyone know how the "Tiger Balm" works. All I know is it smells like something you would eat...I cant describe it, like herbs or something. Interesting. Maybe I will give everyone a review of it tomorrow since I have the worst back pain ever...I would be a good person to tell if it works or not.

Anyhoo...we spent the day with Andrews dad. It was fun. He bought us a new printer since I am starting school Monday. I thought that was really nice. I hooked it up, its wireless and I cant believe that I got in set up with my lappy on the first try. I impressed myself, because usually Im cussing at things and I get annoyed and then they just sit there collecting dust because I refuse to touch them. Yes, I really do things like that. I printed out some Dora the Explorer coloring pages for Xavier, so he was excited about that. The only thing I hate about this printer is the price on ink, but I will get over that. I dont think that I am going to have to buy ink that much because I don't plan on printing pictures, just stuff for school to read instead of looking at the computer screen to read 30 plus pages...can you say headache! I can always print on "draft mode" to save ink too...I know all the tricks of that crap! Haha.

I guess I am going to go play around on facebook a little more tonight before we go upstairs for the night. I am tired, and Im really excited to try the tiger balm on my back. I dont want to put it on down here because it says it can stain, and thats the last thing I need to do to the new furniture. :)

Nikki

"You're Pregnant"

2010-03-26T00:44:00.003-04:00

Last year this time I was set on having another baby RIGHT NOW. I had baby fever because I realized my baby was growing up...about 3 months into trying that fever broke and I came to my senses that 1 baby was enough for us. I talked to hubby about it, and we both agreed to this...and in that year of not trying we have figured out 1 baby is just enough for us, and I think Xavier is going to be the only child....simple.

Well, I haven't blogged in over a week because I woke up about 2 weeks ago thinking I slept wrong. Well this back thing has gotten so bad I can barely walk. I havent cleaned my living room in over 2 weeks (thankfully I have an understanding hubby that helps out a lot) I just cant move. I woke up today and my legs have had pins and needles all day so Andrew took me to the ER. They told me it wasnt an "emergency" and there was really nothing they could do but give me some pain meds and follow up with my PCP tomorrow. They asked me if I was pregnant and I told them 100% not, and I told them that I am on antidepressants that when being on them you cant be prego....so that is why my doctor gave them to me because we are not planning on kids. They told me they would give me some pain meds left the room. About 3 minutes later....the doctor came in and said "your pregnant" I started crying my eyes out...I dont want to be pregnant, and honestly its almost impossible that I was. I told them it had to be a mix up. They took another pee sample from me and tested it...that one came back NEG. (thank goodness) but the doctor said that was still not enough for him to give me anything they had to know for sure. SOOOO they took blood and told me it would take about 2 hours and they would call me with the results so I knew if I should get my scrips filled. Let me tell you, I called my mom balling my eyes out...scared out of my mind. Not only was I scared about being prego just because we dont want anymore children, I was more scared about my meds that I have been taking while prego (if i was). Well 2 hours went by slow as possible, everyone I knew kept texting me asking me about it.......then the call came though.............blood test........NEGATIVE. WHOO HOOO! I wanted to jump up and down and do a dance....if only my back was okay to do that. I actually think if my back was okay I would of.

SOOO now I have to make an appt with my PCP in the morning and get an appointment for an MRI so I can figure out what the heck is wrong with my back. They are thinking a slipped disc...lovely but they said they wouldnt know for sure until I get an MRI which they dont do in the ER.

I am just so thankful the urine mix up happened to me and not someone that was trying to have a child...could you imagine if that happened to someone else?! My friend told me that she would of went off about things, and yes I could of, and maybe I should of? I was just too stressed to do it, and my back hurt and I just wanted to get home...I try to choose my fights, and that one was an honest mistake...Ill give them that. I can take the stress.

Andrew and I talked after things settled down and I am actually sorta happy things happened because during that whole "i might be prego" thought, not once did I get happy and want to be pregnant...not once...and he said either did he. So maybe it is good that it happened, because it showed us that we might be a little family forever...i honestly think we will be.

Ugh stress....time to try to get comfy and go to bed!

Peeps Ice....Rita's are you FOR REAL!?!

2010-03-20T23:15:00.004-04:00

WHOA WHOA WHOA..........was it really that pretty out today?! Oh my, as much as I love me some snow, I was loving the nice weather today! Andrew, Xavier, and I went to my parents for the day to visit, and we had such a fun time outside all day. Xavier enjoyed himself so much.

The first stop of the day was Rita's Italian Ice. Free Icey day, and it was darn good. Rita's has a new flavor...PEEP FLAVORED ITALIAN ICE.......can I say HEAVEN? Let me see, how do I describe this....it tastes like a nice icey peep (duh) hahaha...but it really does. It was soo good. Omg I thought Peeps couldnt get better then I had this Icey. Now if they could only make the "let the peep sit out a day and get hard then eat it" flavor Ice...haha. C'mon, ya'll know you like to leave your peeps sit out for a few days then eat them....just admit it, I KNOW I am not the only one. : )

Then we got to my moms, I took so many pictures of Xavier and my mom walking around, and it looks like she is taking my child around on a pink leash! haha. They were really walking my parents little Yorkie, Tiara....but in half the pictures Tiara isnt there, but my child on a leash is! haha. Seriously though, it was fun....and I did get some cute pictures of Xavier. I dont think anyone realizes how hard it is to photograph a toddler, its like once they reach 2, the only pictures you get are of the back of their heads, or their heads down, off to the side...but they just wont look up. At least that is how it is with a little crazy boy! Oh my goodness, I dont think a good picture here and there is too much to ask for! The good thing...I got one good picture...so my day did turn out good after all!

Andrew and I were going to sneek back to Rita's for seconds on the ice's but we were full and tired after my parents, so we didnt do that. We plan on going to the park tomorrow with Xavier and seeing if the Icey man is there...it will be a good treat...and if he isnt...I think we need to head to Rita's.

Nikki

Health Insurance Rant

2010-03-18T11:57:00.002-04:00

Health Care in our country is so f''ed up I just cant stand it. I know I am going to get bashed to hell and back for my views but Im going to vent anyway. How is it that Andrew and I pay over $400 a month for our health insurance through his job, but then we still have a $300 deductible per person every year, $100 for emergency room, and it only covers 80% of anesthesia............how the hell do we get the short end of the stick when we are paying monthly out of our pocket for health insurance. NOW...if I was on welfare, and getting things for free I wouldn't have to pay any of that...! That means our well earned dollars are not only paying for our health insurance, but its paying someone elses to get better health insurance then me! Its totally not fair at all. Wouldn't it make more sense that Andrew and I get to go to the ER for free, and to get everything paid for, but the ones on welfare have to come up with their ER visits, and have a yearly deductible. In no way am I saying that it should be as much as I am paying, but I think it should be something. Its not fair that us paying insurance have to question when we should go to the ER, but yet people that are getting health insurance for free can go whenever they please and not have to think twice about it. I just dont understand how that works. In my opinion health care is a privilege and not a right. Im not saying people should not be able to go to the doctor because everyone should be able to go and not be turned away, but I think if you cant afford to pay for health insurance you should get billed for your doctor visits and at least have to pay something. Its not fair for the ones that work hard to pay for their insurance monthly.

Nikki

Back to school..........why not!

2010-03-18T02:05:00.003-04:00

I am making so many life changes this month, along with my decision on the gastric bypass, I have a good friend (Jessica) that talked me into going back to school. She is in the middle of getting her bachelors and she LOVES her online school, University of Phoenix. Well she told me everything about it, so I looked into it and got all set up and applied for all my financial aid today, and if that goes smoothly (which is should) I will start classes March 29th....which is only a week and a half away! How fun is that? I totally have been wanting to go to school, especially something in the medical field. I have no experience in medical, so I need that college degree to get my foot in the door and start something that I really want to stay in for the rest of my life. I am going for medical records and Health admin. Its something that I want to do, but just dont have the background in because i have been in insurance since I graduated high school. I have all the time in the world with being a stay at home mom, so why not. ill have my degree by the time xavier goes to school and ill be in a field of something i really love doing. I am so excited Jessica told me about this school, its going to be soo good for me. Its also going to get my mind going since I am home all the time, and going crazy with the little one all day! Its just something that I have been wanting to do for ME for a long time, and now I am acting on it. It feels really good! Changes are good...and I think this one is really good for me. I will keep everyone posted. If you want to go to school and dont know how to do it...feel free to ask questions, and I will help you. I was one of those people that just didnt know how to do anything and was honestly scared to do it...and now I am doing it and it feels damn good!

Nikki

2 Year Celebration

2010-03-13T12:32:00.002-05:00

It feels so good this morning to wake up....2 years ago today I was diagnosed with a Pulmonary Embolism and DVT....I was in ICU for 4 days, but I got through it...and I am here today. I am so thankful for Allegheny General Hospital for finding my blood clots and getting me through everything. They were wonderful, they even made sure I was in a private room that was cleaned down with bleach so that I could have my 1 month old at the time come up every night to see me. If it wasn't for that hospital I believe that I wouldnt be here today. This is my day of celebration, and the way I do it is with a few martini's tonight, and I cant wait! :)

I have had so much go on the past week...I am just so thankful for everything. My birthday was this past Monday, I turned 27. Nothing big, I dont feel like I am "old" but it was the first birthday that I realized I am getting older. To me age is nothing but a number, it doesnt mark who you are, but it shows maturity. I dont mind my age one bit, but I do realize that I am almost 30...I am married and have the best little boy on the planet. Its just so weird. It seems like yesterday I was in high school and said there was no way I would ever be able to settle down with just one man, and of course I never wanted kids (lol). That has all changed, I have grown so much, and I love it. I love my life and where I am right now. I feel like I have the best. I wouldnt change anything for the world.

I do have something BIG that is going on in my life. I went to the doctor on my birthday and I have decided to see a surgeon and start planning my gastric bypass surgery. YES, I said it...I am getting gastric bypass. I have been working with my PCP for over a year trying to lose weight and the only thing that I have been doing is gaining. I wasnt going to tell anyone about the surgery because I was embarrassed, but the more I think about it and the more I talk about it, I am not embarrassed.I am not doing it for cosmetic reasons, I dont have a planned weight that I even want to be. I just want to be healthy for my son. My blood pressure is starting to go up, and I just need to do this for me. My hubby loves me no matter what, and of course he said he would stand by me no matter what. I have an appointment with a surgeon at the end of April, and I am starting my 6 month diet and what not. There is soo much that goes into everything with this surgery, so I know I will be sharing everything on this blog. I dont want to turn this blog into my gastric bypass blog, it is still going to be my mommy blog, but of course since it is apart of my life now I will be mentioning everything that is going on. Its very exciting for me. I cant wait to meet with the surgeon and get this show on the road! (lol)

WHOA....okay, that is what has been going on with me. I am going to make my way to the liqueur store and get my stuff for my celebration martini's tonight...I am sure to post pix. This is my favorite day of the year!

Nikki

10 items in life that should be FREE.

2010-03-03T13:58:00.004-05:00

10. Garbage Bags
09. Paper Towels
08. Diapers
07. Pads
06. Tampons
05. Kleenex
04. Baby Wipes
03. Soap
02. Napkins
.....................................and number one goes to.......

01. TOILET PAPER

These are my top 10 things I hate going to the store and paying for....its just pointless. Starting with garbage bags. Why do I have to pay for bags that are just used to hold the stuff I am throwing away anyway. Why cant I just stick things in garbage holders or something and the trash men just empty that into their truck. Its like paying for something you are going to throw away anyway....it really annoys me to even put those in the shopping cart.

Paper towels, napkins, and kleenex are the same way. You buy them to wipe up messes, you buy the darn things to ruin and throw away. They should just give them away free...why make people waste their money on things that are going to end up in the GARBAGE BAGS! AHH!

Tampons, Pads, Diapers....omg when I have to put those in my cart, knowing the price I am paying for them....and knowing what is going to happen to them just makes me sick. Why dont I just wrap Xaviers booty in dollar bills, because that is what we are doing anyway! Line my panties with a dollar bill....hey it might even work better.....I just cant stand wasting money on all this stuff that is needed. I didnt choose to get a monthly visitor so why am I forced into buying these products every month! Its just not fair in my mind. :)

Soap, I love, but there should be a basic soap that is free of charge....this is just something that makes the others that buy it happy...that way we dont have to put up with others funk.

And my number one item that bothers me is the toilet paper. Its soo hard for me to put that into my cart and buy knowing that it is going to be wiped with my ass then just thrown away. Its soo sad how much money goes out of every ones pockets every month on stuff that we have no control over, I think this stuff should be given out free since its not our choice to have to use it.

If I ever have another baby, I am cloth diapering, that is the end of that. I refuse to buy diapers for another 3 years with another baby if I dont have to....already made up my mind on that one. (lets see if i actually go through with it.....i bet ill just sit here and complain some more)

Nikki

please put down the phone.

2010-02-28T11:58:00.009-05:00

I swear life has been so crazy lately. We have had soo much family crap going on, I dont even know where to begin with it all. I think I am going to save that for a later post just because there is soo much to it.

Yesterday we took Xavier to "kidapalooza" at the Pittsburgh convention center. It was really nice, I am just so happy we got there when it opened. They had Brobee from Yo Gabba Gabba dancing on stage, you could get pictures with Wow Wow Wubzy which was nice, and they had soo many different vendors giving out free samples to have to and your kids try the products for free. It was really really nice, and we really did enjoy ourselves...and Xavier got a bag full of junk to eat so he was happy.

The thing that I do have to complain about is the parents yesterday. Andrew and I do not use our cell phones when we are doing something with Xavier...only if it is necessary, and we will go into a corner use the phone and then put it back away. Yesterday, the kids were soo nice that were there, and let me tell you, there were a lot of them. The parents on the other hand were crazy. They were walking around on their cell phones in a complete daze, walking into you, not saying excuse me, and just not spending time with their kids. Dont get me wrong there were some there that were doing what Andrew and I were doing, and I really like that. I love seeing parents spending quality time with their kiddos....but people....put down the cell phones for 2 hours and just enjoy some family time. What the heck is this world coming to. There shouldnt be anything more important then spending quality time with your kids. You should cherish this time, pretty soon they are going to go through the "not wanting anything to do with you" stage and you are going to miss all this time you could of spent with them.......not your cell phone! Parents, please learn how to put down the phone for a few hours and just have fun with your kids.....believe me, it will make you feel better in the end!

Nikki

Surprised when animals act like animals?

2010-02-25T12:31:00.003-05:00

When I first heard about the "killer whale" attacking its trainer at a Sea World yesterday I just wanted to go over to that whale and hug it...but its a WHALE....and shouldn't be interacting with humans to begin with. It makes me sick that its all over the news that this poor trainer was killed by this whale. This was a person that was training these wild animals to be entertainment to humans.....they are taken out of their natural environment and trained in these little tanks where they live all their lives. There is nothing entertaining in that equation to me. There shouldn't be the need for "whale trainers" because these animals are not supposed to be living in small tanks and doing shows for us. To me that is just sick. So when these animals attack everyone gets upset over it.....these animals are probably going crazy being held like that and being forced to do shows, of course eventually they are going to snap...it shouldn't surprise anyone that they do this. Its just over time that they are going to do this.

This also goes for elephants in circuses, monkeys that are made pets, all this stuff is just crazy to me....and people shouldn't be surprised when animals act like animals.

Nikki

Sweet iPhone.

2010-02-23T12:35:00.002-05:00

I finally got into the whole new smart phone craze and I got an iPhone. Let me tell you, its LOVE. I never thought I would like them, I never wanted one, then the more I looked into them, the more I thought it would be nice to have. Well, now I would die before you took my iPhone away from me. It seriously is like a love obsession. There are so many apps that you can get and omg...I can just go on and on about it all day. Its love....it really is.

I cant believe how "blah" things have been going lately. The only thing that I have been doing is cleaning up after this lil'crazy 2 year old. I cant believe he is 2, and I cant believe how messy he is. Im trying to teach him to clean up after himself, but how the hell do you do that when he just ignores you because he wants to play with another toy. It seriously is driving me insane because I dont know where to start with teaching him how to pick up after himself. Andrew tells me that I am too easy on him, I probably am...but I am his mommy and he is my one and only....so what am I supposed to do. I cant see myself yelling at the boy because he didnt put his toys away, why get mad, he just wants to have a good time? Right? Im probably wrong, but I don't know what to do. Ideas?

I didnt stay in my pj's today, when Xavier and I woke up we both got into the shower, and dressed, and I actually did my hair and makeup...i feel soo much better when I do stuff like that. I actually feel more awake and I want to get the house in order. Its just this livingroom/playroom. I have to figure out a plan of action to get this together. Im working on it. Last week it was spotless in here because we got new furniture delivered, but now its getting back to where it was the week before that! Lovely.

Lunch time. Im sure Ill be back!

Nikki

black and white.

2010-02-19T01:29:00.003-05:00

I was reading someones post on facebook, and usually things do not bother me...but this one did. I wasn't going to write about it, but for some reason I cant get it off my mind and I honestly have been thinking about it since it was posted, which is like a week ago. I always can brush things off, but this time I just cant. Im going to let you read the "letter" that was posted and then I will write my opinion/feelings on it and you can form your own opinions on it and let me know if I am over reacting or if I have a right to have it bother me, and I need advice on how to have it stop bothering me.

Here is the post....

White women's opinion of black women & a brother's response

please take a moment and read this. Pretty Deep! Thumbs up to this black man. Enjoy.

It seems that an article was written to Sister 2 Sister magazine by a Caucasian woman who requested a response from black men. I'm so glad she got what she asked for (and more)!!!

Dear Jamie:

I'm sorry but I would like to challenge some of your Black male readers. I am a White female who is engaged to a Black male-good-looking, educated and loving. I just don't understand a lot of Black females' attitudes about our relationship. My man decided he wanted me because the pickings amongst Black women were slim to none. As he said they were too fat, too loud, too mean, too argumentative, too needy, too materialistic or carrying too much excess baggage.

Before I became engaged, whenever I went out I was constantly approached by black men, willing to wine and dine me and give me the world. If black women are so up in arms about us being with their men, why don't they look at themselves and make some changes. I am tired of the dirty looks I get and snide remarks when we're out in public. I would like to hear from some black men about why we are so appealing and coveted by them. Bryant Gumbel just left his wife of 26 years for one of us Charles Barkley, Scottie Pippen, the model Tyson Beckford, Montell Williams, Quincy Jones, James Earl Jones, Harry Belafonte, Sydney Poitier, Kofi Anan, Cuba Gooding Jr., Don Cornelius, Berry Gordy, Billy Blanks, Larry Fishburne, Wesley Snipes... I could go on and on; but right now, I'm a little angry and that is why I wrote this so hurriedly. Don't be mad with us White women because so many of your men want us! Get your acts together and learn from us and we may lead you to treat your men better. If I'm wrong, Black men, let me know.

Disgusted White Girl,

Somewhere in VA

RESPONSE:

Dear Jamie:

I would like to respond to the letter written by A Disgusted White Girl. Let me start by saying that I am a 28-year old black man. I graduated from one of the most prestigious universities in Atlanta, Georgia with a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Business Management. I have a good job at a major corporation and have recently purchased a house. So, I consider myself to be among the ranks of successful black men. I will not use my precious time to slander white people. I just want to set the record straight of why black men date white women. Back in the day, one of the biggest reasons why black men dated white women was because they were considered easy. The black girls in my neighborhood were raised in the church. They were very strict about when they lost their virginity and who they lost it to. Because of our impatience to wait, brothers would look for someone who would give it up easy without too much hassle. So, they turned to the white girls. Nowadays, in my opinion, a lot of brothers date white women because they are docile and easy to control. A lot of black men, because of insecurities, fears, and overall weaknesses, have become intimidated by the strength of our black women. We are afraid that our woman will be more successful than us, make more money than us, drive nicer cars and own bigger houses. Because of this fear, many black men look for a more docile woman. Someone we can control. I have talked to numerous black men and they continuously comment on how easy it is to control and walk over their white women. I just want to set the record straight. I want A Disgusted White Girl to know that not all successful black men date white women. Brothers like Ahmad Rashad, Denzel Washington, Michael Jordan, Morris Chestnut, Will Smith, Blair Underwood, Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds, Samuel L. Jackson, and Chris Rock all married strong black women and, to flip the script, there are numerous white men, in and out of the spot light, who openly or secretly desire black women over white women. Ted Danson, Robert De Niro, and David Bowie to name a few. I just don't want a disgusted white girl to be misinformed Stop thinking that because you are white that you are some type of goddess. Remember, when black Egyptian Queens like Hatsepshut and Nitorcris were ruling Dynasties and armies of men in Egypt, you were over in the caves of Europe eating raw meat and beating each other over the head with clubs. Read your history! It was the black woman that taught you how to cook and season your food. It was the black woman that taught you how to raise your children. It was black women who were breast feeding and raising your babies during slavery.

It is the black woman that had to endure watching their fathers, husbands, and children beaten, killed, and thrown in jail. Black women were born with two strikes against them: being black and being a woman. And, through all this, still They Rise!

It is because of the black women's strength, elegance, power, love and beauty that I could never date anyone except my black Queen. It is not just the outer beauty that captivates and draws me to them. It is not the fact that they come in all shapes, sizes, colors and shades that I love them. Their inner beauty is what I find most appealing about black women. Their strong spirit, loving and nurturing souls, their integrity, their ability to overcome great obstacles, their willingness to stand for what they believe in, and their determination to succeed and reach their highest potential while enduring great pain and suffering is why I have fallen in love with black women; I honestly believe that your anger is geared more toward jealousy and envy more so than snotty looks. If this were not so, then why do you continuously go to tanning salons to darken your skin? If you are so proud to be white, then why don't you just be happy with your pale skin? Why do you continue to inject your lips, hips, and breasts with unnatural and dangerous substances so you can look fuller and more voluptuous? I think that your anger is really a result of you wanting to have what the black woman has.

BOTTOM LINE: If I were looking for a docile woman, someone I can walk over and control, I would give you a call. But, unfortunately, I am looking for a Virtuous Woman, Someone that can be a good wife and mother to my children; someone who can be my best friend and understands my struggles. I am looking for a soul mate. I am looking for a sister and; unfortunately, you do not and CANNOT fit the bill.
No offense taken, none given.

Signed, Black Royalty

Wow!! We must pass this on to make the day of the Black Queens of our acquaintances!

Okay now that you read it....here is my opinion.

First off let me start by saying I think both writers are wrong. To start off, I think its wrong for the "white" writer to say anything about someone elses race, especially when they are dating someone of that race. There is no excuse for it. There is no excuse for the name calling or anything of that nature. If that is why her boyfriend picked her, I think he is ignorent, you should not pick a certain race for any reason other then you are in love with that person. When dating you should not just pick a race and go with it....if you are open to an interracial relationship you know that it is going to be harder, so to just pick a person or certain race to date...you know what you are getting yourself into. If you are dating someone of a different race and they put down their own race, that is a sign right then and there that they shouldnt be in a relationship with anyone, because they have a lot of growing up to do.

Now let me start on the response. The black man's response. I will not use my precious time to slander white people. I just want to set the record straight of why black men date white women. Back in the day, one of the biggest reasons why black men dated white women was because they were considered easy. Well, you started off by slandering...just saying. Because of our impatience to wait, brothers would look for someone who would give it up easy without too much hassle. So, they turned to the white girls. Nowadays, in my opinion, a lot of brothers date white women because they are docile and easy to control. I think that it is out of complete ignorance to say that one race is easier to control then any other race. I have been married to a black man for over 4 years now, and I am not easy to control, and also, what is that saying about a black male, they are out looking for someone that they can control? What is this saying? I honestly believe that your anger is geared more toward jealousy and envy more so than snotty looks. Let me just start by saying that I look at everyone equally, I do not care what race you are...anything....but I have learned one thing.....When me and my husband are out and about, we get the worst looks from young black females. When Andrew and I started dating I thought I would get the worst looks from older white people....but its not the case. I do not have any jealousy from anyone, but I do find it annoying that when I am out and about with my husband that I get looks from women, they look at my husband then me then back to my husband that I took something from them that was NEVER theirs....because of his race....and its annoying. Please stop this. If this were not so, then why do you continuously go to tanning salons to darken your skin? If you are so proud to be white, then why don't you just be happy with your pale skin? Why do you continue to inject your lips, hips, and breasts with unnatural and dangerous substances so you can look fuller and more voluptuous? I think that your anger is really a result of you wanting to have what the black woman has. Tanning has nothing to do with wanting to be a different race. NOTHING. Plastic surgery has NOTHING to do with wanting to be another race also, this is done when someone is not happy with themselves. It does not have anything to do with wanting what a black women has...simple. I have never in my life heard someone say "I am going tanning so I can look black" that statment about tanning made me LOL....literally.BOTTOM LINE: If I were looking for a docile woman, someone I can walk over and control, I would give you a call. But, unfortunately, I am looking for a Virtuous Woman, Someone that can be a good wife and mother to my children; someone who can be my best friend and understands my struggles. I am looking for a soul mate. I am looking for a sister and; unfortunately, you do not and CANNOT fit the bill. Okay, so I have been married for 4 years to a man and have a wonderful 2 year old son, but I guess my husband doesnt love me for me...he is using me to control me...! This person is also saying that I am not a good mother to my son, I am not his best friend, and I dont understand his daily struggles....and I am not is soul mate. I cant fit the bill. Well, I think we are doing one hell of a job. Just because the color of my skin is not dark, does not mean that my husband and I are not for each other, and certainly does not mean that I am not a good mother to his child.

If I was going through pages and did not know the person that posted this, I would think that they were very self conscience with themselves...and very intimidated by the white women. Simple.

Its not about race, and that is not what I want this post to turn into. I just want to get it out there, that just because a black man is with a white women, or vice versa means anything. Why does anyone care about anyones race and who they are with to be happy. Why cant people be happy for people that are in love....no matter the race or anything. It is posts like this that makes racism still happen. Why turn it into race. This letter to me sounds like something that a female wrote that had a man that is now dating someone of a different race. My husband has dated black women in the past, I dont care one bit....that is fine with me.

Its stuff like this that makes me upset because the person started off by saying "i will not slander" and the whole post is, and is putting down a race....there is no need to do that to make a certain race look better then another. There is no need for it....it is horrible.

I think anyone that would post this has a problem with themselves...and before they can be in a relationship or friendship or anything for that matter needs to solve their personal issues first.

Love is love....does color really matter?

My thoughts.
nikki

please feel free to leave me your thoughts.

More time please

2010-02-01T12:33:00.000-05:00

I always say I am going to update my blog more, and I never do. I swear there is not enough hours in the day for me to do everything. Im trying, I really am. :)

I have been so busy...still being the stay at home mom. I was trying to get another job, but as you can tell that didnt really go over. Andrew applied for a promotion at work, so we are waiting to hear more about that. Our fingers are crossed, but its not biggie either way it goes.

Xavier is going to be 2 in 2 weeks. I really dont even want to think about it. The more I think about it, the more upset I get. I cant believe 2 is right around the corner. It feels like yesterday I was holding him feeding him a bottle, now he is telling me "no" and running around the house like a wild man.

We did our taxes, and of course from when I was babysitting I have to pay taxes on all my pays that taxes werent taken out, we are getting like 2500 less then we "should" be getting, which sucks major monkey balls, but hey, gotta pay "the man". UGH. I hate "the man" . We are starting to look at new living room furniture. We really need it to pull this living room together. I cant wait til next Friday when we get the money, that way we can really look and hopefully order it and get it in here. Im very excited for that.

Okay, more updates to come. I really need to start blogging more. I love doing it, its just the time is never there! :) Leave me comments.

Nikki

Attack of the plastic toys.

2010-01-08T13:41:00.003-05:00

My goal for this Friday was to get the house spotless for when my hubby got home, that way we had nothing to do this weekend, and we can chill out in a nice clean house....then I woke up with the headache from hell. It is right behind my right eye and it just wont go away, and Xavier playing on the drums all day is not helping. I really think I need to start a blog about my weird dreams I have on this anxiety med I take. I seriously have the most vivid dreams, sometimes I have to ask Andrew if it really happened, have you ever got reality mixed up with dreamland? I cant explain it, they are just too real. I think that is one of the reasons why I have been getting headaches, but seriously I get into such a deep sleep...its soo odd...I wish I could explain it better. I just hope this headache goes away and I can get these toys picked up.

My living room always looks like Toys R Us vomited all over the place. Its like the attack of the plastic toys. They are just everywhere. Everyone tells me "make sure he picks up the toys when he is done playing". Oh please, how do you do that when the boy wants to play with everything at once...if someone has advice for me on that, please leave it, I could use all the help in that department. I wish I could figure out how to organize these toys better in the living room....heck anywhere in the house for the matter, I am just not good at it. Period.

Well off to watch the Back Yardagains for the 15th bazillionth time today. Hey, if it keeps him happy and off the drums...and me on the couch, I have no problem with it. This headache is outrageous.

nikki

Karma.

2010-01-07T01:13:00.001-05:00

I have learned a lesson this week, never think that karma will not come back to bite you in the bootay, even if it is years down the line.

When I was 19 I quit a job, I called the manager at night and left a voice mail that I wouldnt be back. I was 19, immature and just couldnt handle what I was doing at the time. It wasnt a hard job, but I was going through some stuff at the time in my life where I just needed an "out". I never thought about it...I never thought it would come back to me, like I said, I was young.

Well, now I wish I could go back in time and put in a notice and leave the way you are supposed to. My good friend is now working at the company that I screwed over by not giving a notice. They are in need of people and it would be in a different department then I worked in when I quit. I have all the requirements for the position they are hiring for, and it pays decent money. I figured I would give it a shot and put my resume in just to see what happened. After I sent my resume in, I found a day care that we liked...everything lined up because I knew if I got an interview I would pretty much have the job...I know that sounds very optimistic but I know the job...and I love doing it. Well, I got a call Tuesday and everything went well, and she said someone else would be calling me to follow up. After I hung up they called back and told me they couldnt find me in the system and asked if I had a different last name....so I gave them my maiden name....well I guess they found me because they havent called me back since. I know its because of how I left, I dont blame them....would I hire someone back that just upped and quit on me...hecks no. So thats life. I guess I live and learn. I am going to call them in the morning to check on the status of things just to see if I can get a straight "yes" or "no", but my hopes are not up anymore...I was bummed about it today but the more I think about it, the more I tell myself I cant be upset, its karma....I shouldnt of done what I did years back.

Live and Learn.

Dont like the snow.....move.

2010-01-06T21:43:00.002-05:00

This is my rant of the day. I am soo sick of people from Pittsburgh complain about the snow. YOU LIVE IN PITTSBURGH THERE IS GOING TO BE SNOW....if you dont like it move or shut up. Its the winter, it comes every year....there is nothing you can do about it. Then when it snows, and the roads are not clear by morning everyone complains. How many roads are in Pittsburgh, it is impossible for them to all be clear and fine in the few hours the workers have to clear. It just drives me insane. All over my facebook page is people complaining and moaning about it.....then move...plain and simple. It comes every year in this area...it will forever....so you have a choice, put up with it, or leave. I love this city, I love the snow, and i personally think the workers do the best they can and what they have to work with. Geesh. Okay Im good...now I can sleep! :)

Nikki

I want, to die.

2010-01-04T13:11:00.002-05:00

Not really, but close to it. I hate being a girl, I hate having cramps, and I just want to scream. I havent been around lately. I didnt realize how much time the holidays would take over my life. All I did was wrap gifts and bake. I baked so much this year, but I felt accomplished after I did it all, everyone enjoyed my cookies and I enjoyed making them. That is now going to be my tradition, baking a lot of cookies, and every year I am going to make at least one new kind that I never made before.

We had a good holiday, my goal was for Xavier to have a good holiday, so that was accomplished. It was nice.

Guess what, I might not be a stay at home mom anymore! How excited am I! I have been looking into day cares and sending out resumes. It feels soo good to finally be doing something, and maybe going back to work. I think it will do me good and also do Xavier good to be around kids his own age. I am just waiting for a call back for an interview, which i hope happens really soon, I need that. I need out in the real world again around real adults. The good thing is 2 of my friends work where I applied, so its even a plus for me. They say being a stay at home mom is rewarding, which it is, but it also makes you feel like you cant do anything else but wipe boogers off your childs face all day. I know I can do soo much more then that, and actually get paid for it. We need the money too....! I just need out of this house...and outta my pj's and off of this couch!

exciting.

2009-11-18T15:34:00.000-05:00

It is soo time for a change. I am getting into a complete rut with myself. Its been almost 2 years of having Xavier and I feel like I have completely let myself go. I weigh more then I have ever in my life, and my hair is always in a pony tail. I just cant take it anymore. I am always in sweats and jeans, and I just want to start looking nice again. Not only for myself, but for my hubby. I feel like he just puts up with things and I cant stand just feeling "blah" all the time. I made an appointment with a hairdresser that is also a friend of mine, so I am sure she is going to do a good job, her hair always looks super cute. Im going for a complete change. I will post before and after pix later tonight. I cant wait to just start being me again, along with being "mommy". I feel like I have to start being me and not just mommy. I feel like I have lost touch with myself the past 2 years, which isnt a bad thing, but its time to bring the wife back into the marriage. I dont know if any of this makes sense, but I hope it does. I really want to work on myself....the next thing is start exercising regularly and drop some of this weight. I am not putting a goal on the weight, I am not even thinking numbers, I just want to drop weight...I want to feel good about myself...more then I already do :) because I always love myself.

Okay, I just wanted to update. I hope my hair turns out cute! :)

nikki

Funk

2009-11-15T19:07:00.003-05:00

I swear when will never learn, you can tell them something and a minute later its gone. I sometimes feel like I would be better off talking to a wall. Well if I did that, then he would remember I did that...so maybe that would be a good way to get him to listen? Just sit here and talk to the wall...yes, I think that is what I need to do. UGH.

I havent been updating as much, things around this time with the holidays coming along just make me busy. I really need to start Christmas shopping. I keep saying it, I just dont go out and do it. I should go this week to put things on lay-a-way at Big K...just things for Xavier. I have a few ideas on what Santa is going to bring him, but I dont know everything. This year I think he might actually open his gifts by himself and start understanding things. Finally I "fun" Christmas.

I am sooo not looking forward to the Christmas crowds at the stores. We ran into WalMart last night and I wanted to shoot myself. I went down one aisle and of course some nasty looking lady is at the other end. I knew I should of just turned around but no, I didnt....I just wanted to get myself and go since Andrew and X were in the car waiting for me....what happened...the smell hit me, that nasty old wash cloth body funk smell and I puked a little in my mouth. The sad part was she was with her daughter or someone younger....you know they had to smell it, just tell them to take a freaking shower. I dont know how anyone could of sat in a car with her, because seriously, it was BAD. I cant take it....I would rather have bad ass kids running under my feet in a store then to smell someones funk.

Speaking of kids......why do people let their kids out to run around the shopping cart, or better yet PUSH the shopping cart in a busy WalMart. Just because your kids can walk doesnt mean they shouldnt sit in a cart. Especially when they are walking all around the cart and you are not paying attention to them. It drives me crazy when I have to keep saying "excuse me" and your kids wont listen. That also tells me they have no respect for adults and ticks me off even more. UGH! I can go on and on about this subject, and I know its just going to get worse around the holidays and Im going to complain about it more and more. I dread going shopping.

Nikki

Ive learned so much!

2009-10-25T23:44:00.002-04:00

I havent been around much this week, but I promise this post is going to be interesting. I have learned so much about things this week...I just need to share. Most of the stuff I have learned doesn't even matter, but I dont care, like I said, I am not going to ever hold back!

That being said....the most important thing I have learned is to never be nice to people. When you go an extra step to be nice, it always turns around to bite you in the bootay. Seriously. I have bent over backwards over something that past year, and yet, I get a phone call and it all comes crashing down and then turned around to me being the bad person. I want to go into detail, I really do, but I just want to put this whole frustrating situation in back of me. There is no point to even tell it, because seriously...it only can do more harm then good. I just want to say this, when you want to go that extra mile, especially for family, make sure it is truely worth it, because no matter what you do, it always can be turned into something negative. I would normally not say this, and I would say "treat others how you would want to be treated" BUT....that saying is not true, because no matter how nice you be to someone, it usually turns into something negative.

Going through that whole situation, I told Andrew that I was going to go to the liquor store and get some very nice boxed wine. Yes, I said it...boxed wine. I told him that I was going to have a night of not counting the glasses, and he was going to have to look after the little one. He told me that I totally deserve to do this for myself, and I dont think he even counted the glasses. I think he knew what my out come the next day was going to be, and that was why he encouraged the drinking...Im sure he was sitting at his desk laughing as I was PUKING MY GUTS OUT in the trash can in the kitchen that next afternoon while my toddler stood there mocking my loud puking noises. Attractive? I think not.........needed? YES. The part where I couldnt even walk to the bathroom to pee was fun, but the next day was not so fun....and then I went back to life....hungover. NOT FUN. Boxed Wine is surely the devil is disguise.

On the way to get my boxed wine I found out a fun fact about myself. I never think too much when I am driving, I just drive, and watch out for the other idiots on the road. I cant believe I never found out this amusing fact about myself until now....I break my SUV with only my BIG TOE! There I said it, I break using my big toe. Is that safe? I dont know....I dont really care, I just do it. I do this because I never wear my flip flops when I drive, I always slide them off....therefore my toe is free...totally random, just love that about me. Its something I only know about myself, and now every time I break my car I smile. :)

Im going crazy tonight because my facebook will not let me in, it says my profile is down for maintenance. Im losing my yoville money as I speak as all my bakery items burn up! (all you addicts will know just what I am talking about). I am completely addicted to writting what I am doing during the day and reading what others are doing too. I love to be nosey, and that is just a window for me to do it. I thought I was the only one that wrote everything, the steps of my day out, but I am not...far from alone in my addiction. Its great. Then I thought about it, if I am reading everyones, Im sure everyone is addicted to reading mine too! I love it. I will write just about anything....okay, I write anything, I dont care, I just have to share. I love updating from my phone, I love updating from my computer, shoot, I even update from my dads computer when I am at my moms and I have no signal on my phone. Addicted.

Our internet is running sooooo crappy lately. Comcast is on my bad list. I hate it. Period. I hate it worse then my period. I am thinking about switching, but if I switch, do you know how much of a PITA that is going to be with all my sites that I am on with my comcast email addresses. I dont know what to do....I am just sick of my internet being slow/going out every single night. I cant live w/out the internet, its like its attached to me. Gosh, I dont know what i would do without it. I am in love with it............facebook i need you....! I soooooooooo am going crazy since I cant update my status that I am blogging....omg.

Love,
Nikki

Sleepless Night...yet again!

2009-10-17T02:08:00.002-04:00

This med I am on (effexor) is literally messing with me, and I think its doing it on purpose. If I take it in the morning it makes me soo sick I almost puke (im lucky i havent, i just hold down the chunks) and if I take it at night before bed, I am up half the night without feeling sick? I dont know what I am doing wrong, I have tried everything, taking it on a full tummy, empty tummy...how the heck it tells time I will never know. Soooo...I am up...yet again. I look over to my left and my hubby and son are sleeping, right next to me is one of my cats (tobie) sleeping, and I am up blogging. Nice. I gotta figure something out. OMG...if I could take this in the morning and not get sick and have this much energy my house would be spotless and organized all the time and I would work out everyday just to burn off the energy...but I cant do all that because I dont want to make noise as these 2 sleep. UGH. I dont know what to do. I think tomorrow I am not going to take it before bed, I am going to get up Sunday, eat something and then take it and see how it works. We will see, my fingers will be crossed.

Nothing is planned this weekend. Xavier has a nasty cold, Andrew is getting a cold, and Im sneezing, and hoping and saying its just allergies. I am going to run to wally world tomorrow (yes Im that crazy) just to get out of the house for a little while and leave these 2 sick guys home. I cant stand men sick. I dont mind Xavier, he just sits on my lap and watches TV, but grown men, they just annoy me. I have not met one man yet that doesnt act worse then a baby when they are sick. If they are out there, I would love to see it, because I dont believe any man can be "man enough" for a little cold. I cant stand to see a grown man act that way, it annoys me. I am mommy twenty four seven, I am never off....how the heck do they get to turn "daddy" off for a little while to whine and complain. I will never get it. Yes, I love him to pieces :)

I can just imagine what I am getting myself into by going to walmart on a saturday. I know I am going to come home in a horrible mood with stories and stories. I cant take people. I really cant...I can block children out, but I cant block adults out, and sometimes, well MOST of the time they act worse then the kids. Drives me insane. Im even thinking about going to walk around IKEA, I havent done that in forever and ever and I really could use a new coffee table for the living room. Nothing fancy, just one of those cheapo ones they sell. With a toddler I am quick to learn that is all I need until he is older and knows what to put on and not put on the table. What to NOT spill all over the place...UGH!

Im sure I will be blogging when I get home to tell everyone about my Saturday out! Stay tuned, Im sure I will be entertaining. Oh yea, Im even stopping for a bottle of wine, so tomorrow night after the boy is in bed...can get fun!

Nikki

"Bubble Boy"

2009-10-16T13:21:00.003-04:00

I have to do it, I have to blog about this mess. My friend called me yesterday and told me to put on CNN, and I honestly thought this lil'boy was in that balloon. I couldnt figure out why/how he was in there but I was soo scared for him. When that balloon landed and he wasnt in there and wanted to cry because I was sure he had fallen out...but then I got to thinking (along with the reporters) that there is no way for him to fall out, there were no holes in it. I thought that he was scared and hiding...like it claims. Then I saw the larry king interview last night, and that poor little boy didnt know what to say. When that little boy said something about "i thought it was all for a show" I thought he was mixed up, until the dad started fidgeting and trying to cover up what that little boy said...I was like "this father made it all up". THEN I woke up and watched the interview on the Today show, the little boy puking and all (which i thought was soo funny because the dad looked like he was about to blow too) then the father got really upset because people are not believing the story. To me it just doesnt add up. There is something that is missing, and I dont think that little boy would of hid for 3 hours. Their story is that he hid cause the dad yelled at him....well then why did the other boy say that he was up in the balloon? It honestly doesnt add up at all...this situation is all weird. As of right now I am not convinced. I cant wait to see what comes of this. What ticks me off the most, I missed Days of Our Lives yesterday to watch this balloon...UGH!

Nikki

Its been awhile.

2009-10-12T17:14:00.003-04:00

Oh has it been awhile since I have updated, and I need to apologize for that. Life got in the way! (lol). Honestly, I have been in this depressed mode lately...but I got to the docs and Im feeling way better. Let me explain. I was on Zoloft for the past 2-3 years. Before I got pregnant with Xavier I was on Effexor for my anxiety and depression, but I had to change meds when I was pregnant. I think I just got used to the Zoloft because I got to the point I didnt want to do anything, I had no sex drive at all...I didnt even want to clean my house. I went to the doctor about 2 weeks ago, and I got back on my Effexor and I am seriously like a new person. Andrew and I had to make the decision that we are on hold with the baby making for the time being. I also have to work on myself. I weighed in at the doctors and I weigh more now then when I went in to have Xavier. That made me sick. I cant believe I let myself go like that. I was doing good and then I put on a lot of weight. Im not blaming my thyroid, but he said it could be that because with all the blood work its not working correctly, so I am on meds for that, which he is going to up in about 4 weeks when I go back to see him. I just cant believe how good I feel on the Effexor. I clean everyday, I just am all together in a better mood....and Andrew likes it because my sex drive is back....and its back 120%! hahaha. Lovely.

Another BIG update, the Pa Budget finally got signed a few days ago so that means I am going to start getting paid again. Thank goodness, I thought I was never going to have money again! We are excited to get that big check. I have soo many plans and things that need to get done....I just cant wait. The one thing I am doing....Christmas shopping lay away. That is at the top of my list, so that will be taken care of and out of the way! WHOO HOO! .

I went on my much needed girls weekend last week. It was soo needed, and soo nice. We went to the little bar, and just had a good time sitting next to the camp fire all night. It was just a nice calm weekend. We actually went up Friday night and came home Sunday afternoon...so it was 2 nights away from my house. I of coursed missed my 2 guys, but not as much as I did last year. (Xavier was a baby)...this year was just nice. I think they liked having their "man weekend" together anyway! haha. Sooo cute.

Well, like I said before, the baby making is on hold...it just has to be. I need to get myself together...which I am going to turn this blog into. I hope that doesnt matter, and I hope everyone still enjoys my posts. I am still 100% going to blog about my experiences and getting DVT's and Pulmonary Awareness out there to everyone. I am just going to take you on my little journey to getting myself together, losing weight, and my life. I still plan on being open and honest about anything and everything...!

Love,
Nikki

Pennsylvania State Budget/Pittsburgh G-20.....lovely.

2009-09-15T11:08:00.003-04:00

I feel like the world is going is fast forward lately, and my broke butt is sitting still. It is like I am sitting here waiting on the state to decide when they want to pass this budget so I can get paid. Im still not getting paid, and its really starting to hurt. It really is, I have no idea what we are going to do if something isnt done soon. Im sick of wondering when someone is going to do something. Then I sit here and think of the day cares that are not getting paid, there is always someone worse then me....and I try to remember that. As I try to remember that, my selfish side thinks "who cares" because the bill collectors are not going to excuse me because there is someone worse then me. lol.

Another worry I have is this G-20 summit is coming to Pittsburgh next week. I am so sick of hearing about it, but I just want it to get here and be done with. They are preparing so much for it, and all the security. Ugh...I just dont want the protests to be like they were at the last one in England (I think it was there). Then I do the craziest thing. I told everyone "We are not leaving the house those days...blah blah blah" I made Xavier and I doctor appts for next Thursday, the first day of it. Lovely. I had to though because Andrew took vacation days because of all this craziness...and that is the only time that I could get the doctor appointments out of the way. Lovely.

I am nervous about my doctor appt. I keep having a pain in my abdomen. I have myself convinced that I have Pancreatic Cancer...and now that Patrick Swayzie died, and that is all I am hearing about it makes me more nervous. I honestly think that it is a hernia from when I had my Gallbladder out, but I am still nervous because I have been soo tired lately and I just dont feel like doing anything. Then that can be from being broke and just being depressed about that. I always think something bad is wrong with me ever since I had the clots. I think of the worst because I always think "what else could go wrong with me." I hate it. I am wondering what is wrong with me though. I have more then a week to wait, and its killing me to see what my doctor says. He is probably going to think I am crazy. I know he is going to yell at me because I have gained weight and not lost any, but that goes with me not wanting to do anything, Im lucky I get dressed some days. I am on Zoloft, and I honestly dont think it is working, I either need more or I need something different. Another thing that I dont have is a sex drive. It seriously is just not there. It is not anything to do with Andrew or anything like that, it is just me. I hate it. I think I need a different kinda med...so that is another thing that I need to talk to the doctor about. Sucks.

Okay, I am going to go chill out with Xavier. I have cramps from hell today and I just want to lay on the couch, but I know Xavier is not going to let me do that because he is just in a bad mood today. I hope me and him both can nap....I want to take a long long long nap. lol.

yawn

2009-08-31T17:19:00.003-04:00

I swear these days go by soo slow, and there is still no light at the end of the "not signed budget". I feel like this blog is turning into me complaining about the budget, I didnt want this blog to be about me ranting about the money we have and dont have. i really wanted this to be about trying to have another baby and what i have to go through due to my health history....but i want this blog to be as real as possible, so this is what is going on in my life right now....and unfortunately that means trying to have another baby is on hold for right now. Hopefully that wont last for too much longer.

Andrew took Xavier with him to his dads this evening, that gives me some more quiet time. I wish I could go upstairs and take a nap, that is what I would really like to do, but Xavier emptied out his toy box all over the living room floor this afternoon, so that needs to be cleaned, then I have all the dishes from today to put in the dishwasher and get some dinner ready. UGH. I swear its never ending. I should be doing that now....but I just felt like sitting here blogging for a minute since tonight is going to be busy and I am hoping to get to bed earlier tonight. I stayed up til 2am this morning getting 2 digital scrap kits up in my store. I wanted to start a new one today but I just have no creativity left in me right now. I think one I get upstairs knowing I have a clean house I will be able to think about what I want to do next.

Okay, let me get this house cleaned...I dont want Andrew to come home to a messy house (again). haha.

talk later.

.life.

2009-08-29T11:11:00.002-04:00

I am so happy for cooler weather. I am completely ready for fall to get here. It is 100% my favorite time of the year. I havent updated in a few days, I just havent had the energy to do anything. Xavier and I spent the night at my mom and dads again Thursday night....and that is pretty much what has been going on. Im still waiting for Pennsylvania to sign the budget so I can get paid. I am so depressed that we have to be on such a tight budget. I have bills coming it and the more they come in the more depressed I get because I know we have 100% no money to spend after bills. I cant take it anymore. Its soo not fair, I cant believe how much we really rely on the babysitting money that was coming in. It just makes me sick. I guess PA is supposed to start talking more about it this week. If they dont do something this coming week there are going to be hundreds of day cares closing. I dont understand, if they passed a little bit of the budget to get state workers paid, why cant they pass another part of it to keep day cares going strong? It just doesnt make sense to me. If they close day cares people are going to have the quit their jobs because they have no where to send their kids. Why doesnt my state care about that? I would think that would be up there in priority with getting state works paid, but i guess it doesnt. I guess low income families are not on the minds of PA....it just saddens me.

We really have no big plans this weekend. I think we are going to go to Andrews moms house across the street tonight for awhile to visit. Its soo weird, we live soo close to them yet we hardly see them. I feel bad, its just that our lives are soo busy. I would think it would be the other way around, we would see them more then my parents, its odd....I think its because they have 2 younger girls and they always have something going on.

Im still trying to ignore the pain in my right leg. I really dont understand why it keeps hurting the way it does. Im annoyed by it, I really am. It is doing nothing but getting worse, but what do i do? There is no color change, no swelling, just hurting. I guess I have to live with it. It just makes me wonder. I am so scared there is something else going on in there, but the hospital said my legs were clear of clots. I am trying to walk more....but the more depressed I get over money and things like that, the more I dont want to do anything....so it just makes it harder. I really hate being an adult at times....I really do.

Hopefully we will have some good news soon. Until then TTC#2 is on hold...Ill keep everyone updated on that. Life.

DONT EAT THE CAT FOOD......again

2009-08-24T12:44:00.004-04:00

Anyone else have a cat/dog food eater running around your house? UGH! Xavier has been doing this nasty habit since he got teeth. He has always been interested in the cat food...its like we don't feed him and the lovely smell of cat food just tempts him?! LOL. What do kids see in this awfulness? The smell doesn't even make me want to try it. It just stinks! What would make a kid that wont even eat his veggies put this in his mouth and actually get it down? Its my wonder today....since I got a chewed up piece of cat food thrown at me. UGH. I am to the point that I don't even tell him not to do it...well at least not while he is in the process. Seriously, I used to be like "dont even go near it" now Im like "if you wanna eat it, eat it" Is that bad? LMAO! It isnt going to hurt him. Im not feeding it to him, but Im sure enough not going to waste my breath saying "Xavier dont eat the cat food" a million times a day. I will correct him if he is throwing it at me (lol) or trying to get the crap out of his mouth. Then I will say "are you going to eat that gross stuff again" and I usually get a head shake "yes". UGH. Some might say I am wrong for doing what I do.......please feel free to tell me how wrong/right I am.......but if you tell me how wrong i am please also tell me how I should stop it!

Shhh....what is that I hear.....

2009-08-23T22:44:00.003-04:00

Quiet.......

That is what I heard all evening....thanks to my wonderful husband. He took Xavier with him to his friends to watch WWE. Once a month WWE holds a Pay Per View, and that his Andrews friends excuse to get together since they are so busy and have "adult" lives now. So once a month they get together, and now Xavier is joining the "guys night out" and I love it. Because I get a quiet Sunday home alone. I havent had a night like this in months, and I really enjoyed myself. I got some things done for my digital kits, and I got caught up on emails, and stuff like that...and I have also got caught up on some of my TV watching.

I was never a "Sex and the City" kinda gal when it was popular, but it comes on at 10am in the morning, and sometimes Xavier will be playing and not paying attention so I would put it on and watch it while I have my morning coffee....well I am addicted. Why did I not discover this show years ago. Well I now DVR it everyday and watch it during nap time or any chance I get when Xavier isnt around. That is the greatest show ever. I really need to watch the movie. I am trying to watch as many shows as i can (which has been a lot) before I watch the movie....but I am such a fan, and I swear its the greatest show ever. Plain and simple.....EVER! If you disagree with me, then you are not a human women! hahaha. (just joking....sorta)

So I admit, I facebook stalk people. I wish I could post pictures of people that I stalk on here, but of course I wouldnt do that, but its great. People that were soo different in high school are completely different now. Then you have the people that never change. It amuses me. I am sure that I have a few stalkers too...but I am pretty boring, so Im sure that I dont get stalked too much.

Well, my 2 favorite guys should be walking through the door at any minute....and I am really excited to see them. I will blog more tomorrow.

Cross your fingers the Pennsylvania passes the State Budget this week....I really need the money soon! I think I am going to say that in every blog until it passes or something happens. Ill keep you posted. I will blog more tomorrow.

Who throws away that?!

2009-08-22T13:03:00.003-04:00

Before I make this post, let me start by saying this, if I ever complain about anyone in my family, I love them all dearly, but that doesnt mean that I have my "dislike" moments. I get along with my family....we just have our moments...I mean, who doesnt? lol.

That being said I stayed over my mom and dads again on Thursday night. I love staying over there because it gets me out of the house and I get to visit them. Not to mention I bring our clothes for the week to wash because we dont have a washer and dryer in our house, we dont have hookups or else we would, because its a really big PITA.

We go into my mom and dads and I knew it was going to be a long 24 hours because the house was at sub zero....! Seriously. When the temp reaches 70 degrees my dad thinks its time to put the AC on full blast until the summer is over and its below 70 degrees again. It was freezing. Not just cold...freezing. Feeling cold down to your bones freezing. Who does that! I cant stand being cold, and of you complain its like the biggest NO NO ever. It drives me crazy. So I bring Xavier his winter PJ's when we stay down there, and I hide under a blanket the whole time, because as much as i LOVE to be cold...its too cold. Plain and simple.

So I go in to go to the bathroom and I happen to look in the trash, there was a roll of toilet paper in the garbage with toilet paper on it. It was the only thing in the garbage so I thought I might have knocked it in there. Im trying to think how I could explain how must TP was left on the roll....lets just say enough for a women to use it to wipe about 5 times of TT'ing...so a good amount was left. I used some, then later that afternoon went back in.......it was back in the garbage. So I brought it out and asked "Why do you throw away TP with this much left on the roll?" My mom said "your dad does that all the time and I dont understand it." OMG I wanted to flip out...its hard enough purchasing something that you are just going to wipe your bootay with and throw away in the first place, but to throw any amount of unused away and not think twice about it? It just makes me crazy. I swear my dad has no concept of money.

Its little things like that, that drive me crazy when I go down there. Andrew and I are just getting by right now...barely making it because we are so used to getting my babysitting money from the state....but until we start getting that money again (whenever our darn governer signs PA's yearly budget) we are on a budget....a strict one. So when I go down to my parents and see stuff like that, and get told about him buying things for his ham radios, things that are useless to me, and cost a couple hundred dollars I get a little mad...its not jealously...its just I dont want to hear about what you are buying when you KNOW that we are on this budget. Its not our fault that we live in PA and my pay is held up until this budget is signed, but that is how it is. Andrew and I are starting to have a hard time because we didnt realize how dependent we were on getting my paycheck everymonth. Ugh. I cant stand people that dont have a concept of money and just throw it out the window like its nothing.

My mom and dad struggled when raising me. They had really hard times...who doesnt? Its like my dad forgets about those times, and acts like Andrew and I are doing something wrong. Then we hear that we need to buy a house. I am sorry, no one NEEDS to buy a house. Some people dont. I think its very mature of Andrew and I to say "we are not ready to purchase a house" rather then going out, purchasing one, and loosing it. Does that make sense? My dad doesnt understand what goes into buying a house....I used to do that for a living, so I know...and we are not ready. Right now, if something breaks, someone comes and fixes it and we dont have to worry about the money and the cost. If we owned a house right now and something broke we would be screwed. We are not ready for all that. Being some what broke and then hearing that we NEED to buy a house is not something I want to hear, and when we go down there to visit and hear all that stuff...it just drives me crazy.

That is my rant of the day, I just needed to get that out. I have soo much to blog about this weekend, but Im going to save some for later. I am going to work on some of my digital scrapping kits, and enjoy this lazy day with my little family.

Our tires are not slashed!

2009-08-19T17:43:00.002-04:00

What more could a family that is down to one income because our lovely state can not come to an agreement on a budget.....2 brand new tires slashed. Yup....we get $900 worth of tires put on our SUV 2 weeks ago, and 2 of them are now slashed. Lovely. What kinda person does that kinda random act? Were you not hugged enough as a child....or was it a child. A child that is screaming for some sort of attention?! Either way, Im pissed. Andrew had to use a vacation day, that way we could go rent a car....and we thought we would be able to talk to our insurance company, get in, pay our $100 deductible and be on our way with 2 new tires. I was wrong...wrong wrong wrong. State Farm didnt even call us back to talk about the Claim today. Here, it takes them 24-72 hours. FOR SOME FREAKING TIRES! The good thing about the rental...its only $4.75 a day.....well plus the $100 hold they have on my account. *rolls eyes* Like I am going to steal a car...I dont want the piece of shit, I want 2 new tires and to beat the ass of the lil'kid or who ever stabbed our tires to their early demise. Im beyond pissed. I swear everytime we get one step ahead something pushes us back down the steps.

Now about this Pennsylvania Budget. Now that they signed the part where the state employees get paid no one cares about it. I watch my niece, and now that the state hasnt signed the budget the grant for the program they use to pay me is not there...so NO MONEY. SO...now I am missing that pay check. That is a big part of our survival in this world. How do you just take that away. Now a lot of preschools and day cares might have to close because they cant pay their employees. I just dont get it....people that have money dont care about the people on a budget. Sometimes I feel like we are the only one on a tight budget. Anyone else out there willing to kill for an extra $100? lmao.

No matter what I seem to do, all I keep thinking about is our SUV just sitting there off to one side looking soo sad....then I think "we are down $100 this month that we really didnt have to begin with" and I want to crawl in bed and lay there....but I cant....I have to be strong and just figure things out. So much for "wanting to be an adult" all those years.

Nikki

Peace and Quiet....for now

2009-08-18T23:57:00.003-04:00

Oh thank goodness, the boy is finally sleeping. I swear to goodness he was soo tired he just wouldnt fall asleep. He would cry and cry. He is sleep in the middle of Andrew and I, and I dont dare move him. He went to sleep earlier this evening, it gave me a hour of quiet to watch Big Brother. Andrew came back downstairs with me for the hour. I went up at 10pm peeked in at him and he scared me, he was sitting up in bed looking around....so of course he followed me back into our room. Then he cried and cried cause I couldnt hold him and he wanted me to hold him. My leg is still giving me trouble and seems to be getting worse, I dont know whats up with that one, but everytime I would get comfy to have Xavier lay on me, of course he didnt want to lay on me anymore. It just annoyed me after doing it so many times I told him "no more" and let him cry it out til he fell asleep. I feel bad, but there is no way he can sit on my leg right now.

I dont know why the heck it is hurting so bad. Last year when I had the DVT, I went to one hospital and they sent me home after doing the doppler saying I was fine, the next day when I went to the other hospital the saw the clot. I went to the same hospital last night that found it the last time (and we still wonder how the first hospital didnt find anything) anyway, I am scared something is still developing because of how it hurts. I keep watching for the color changes/swelling but so far nothing. I have no idea what could be making it hurt like this. It even hurts when I get up to walk it out, which walking it out would clear it up last week this time. Im starting to get annoyed.

My goal tonight was to get 2 digital kits up in my store...but I didnt, I only got one....Xaviers crying and Andrews snoring just put me in a mood, and I am too tired to deal with anything. I am happy I got one up....hopefully tomorrow I will get to work on some more things and get caught up.

Okay, its 12am and I really want to lay down and get comfy. I am debating if I want to wake Andrew up to put Xavier into his bed...I dont dare do that, everytime I go to move that boy he wakes up, so I made it Andrews job. (lol)

night night,

Nikki

Banana

2009-08-18T14:20:00.000-04:00

Xavier saying Banana.....finally a video! WHOO HOOO!

Promoting.

2009-08-18T13:38:00.003-04:00

I have been trying to figure out how to promote a blog to get readers....maybe no one wants to read my blog....oh well! haha. This is my little outlet. I haven't even given my hubby my blog address... honestly, i dont even think he knows that I blog. ha.

Its nap time...YAY. I should be cleaning the living room, There are plastic toys everywhere....It really looks like toys r us threw up. Its annoying. I am trying to teach Xavier that he needs to pick up. He will help when I do it, but other then that he doesn't. After he is done playing with one toy he just leaves it and goes on to the next. Sometimes I just sit here and watch him wondering what is going on in the little mind of his. He is soo funny.

I need to figure out how to post the video of him saying "banana". It is soo funny. I think he thinks he is saying it because in his lil'mind it sounds like he is saying it. I swear its the cutest little video. I havent even figured out how to post pictures. I am trying to dress up my blog a bit. I am looking for pictures and stuff to make it look pretty and up to date...if that makes any sorta sense. I want make a banner with one of those cute cartoon girls on it...but I cant seem to find a site that has them to use for free...heck I cant even find a site with them! haha. If anyone knows/understands what I am going on and on about just leave me a comment. It would be wonderful.

Time for me to clean, do my daily exercise, and get lunch for the boy when he decides to wake up. Ill blog more later......

Nikki

a visit to the er.

2009-08-17T23:59:00.002-04:00

I spent a few hours in the ER tonight. For the past week I havent really said anything to anyone cause I thought I was sitting/sleeping wrong. I have hadd this pain keep grabbing in my lower leg, what kinda feels like a "charlie horse". I thought it would stop so that is why I just ignored it. Well it used to get better if I stood up and walked around, but lately I noticed it not getting better and it didnt matter what I did, it would show up....so I decided I needed to visit the ER and get a doppler done on my lower leg. I just kept thinking if I didnt go, and something did happen, I am home alone with Xavier all day, and I didnt want something to happen to put him in harms way....! Well, I went and I have NO CLOTS! *claps* I was happy to hear that. I still dont know why I am having those pains, the doctor said I could of pulled it, but I dont think I did. I dont know. They also said it could be from last year....who knows. I told him I didnt care what the heck it was as long as I didnt have clots. So Im fine. Thank goodness. When I got there, there were 52 people waiting, and only 31 rooms..and they were all full....thank goodness with my background I got right in and right out. I knew everything too...I am soo used to being there, I knew my history, I told them as it was and that was it. There were people mad and I got soo many dirty looks because they were there sooo much longer then I was....I was in and out. I just dont think people understand that if you go the ER for a hurt toe and especially a very busy ER at that, you are going to be on the bottom of the list....its just that simple. I dont understand what is so hard to understand about that. UGH....oh well...Im healthy and that is all that matters to me.

I came home and Xavier was soo happy to see me. I just can eat him up. I swear he is the cutest little boy on the planet....yea yea yea, I know every mom says that about their kids. LOL. I put on some Yo Gabba Gabba for him, and we stayed downstairs a little longer tonight since I wanted to be close to him for awhile since I left him and Andrew at home while I went to the ER. There was no reason for anyone else to go but me, I knew what they were going to do, and if I needed anything the ER is practiclly in walking distance of our home. No Biggie.

Im thinking about spending the night at my mom and dads again Thursday night. I enjoy getting out of the house w/Xavier. Even though I miss Andrew like crazy and have to sleep in a little single bed (with xavier curled up next to me) its nice to have the day with my mom. I always feel bad asking her if she is doing anything. I know she LOVES when we come down, but I dont want her to feel like she has to agree to us coming down every Friday, since it is her day off. She works 4 10 hour days and gets off Friday-Monday. It just makes life so much easier for me and Andrew because we spend the night/the day down there and that means Andrew and I are free from having to go down and visit on his 2 days off....since we usually have so much running around to do ourselves.

Okay, my 2 men are snoring next to me and I think I am going to catch some zzzz's myself. I just want to cuddle up next to them and be thankful that I have them both in my life. Night night.

Nikki

.guilt.

2009-08-17T11:29:00.003-04:00

After I had the DVT in my leg my team of doctors told me there is a chance my leg could never be the same again...meaning if i sit/stand/walk/run whatever too much it can hurt and I might have that pain for the rest of my life. I thought I was lucky because I had none of that, I was perfectly normal. Well, the past few weeks, if I sit too long, my leg aches. It hurts and its not a painful hurt, its more of an annoying stabbing pain. I get upset everytime it does it because it brings back so many bad memories for me. Its not even the same pain as when I had the blood clots, It just reminds me of it. I dont know why it hurts like that. It makes me scared because I am always thinking that I am going to develope clots again. Why would I have this pain if something is not happening in there? Its honestly not even in the same location as where I had the DVT...its lower, and I think that is what scares me more. I dont know if I should call the doctor or just keep walking it out like I have been doing. Its not constant, and its not doing anything that they told me to watch out for. I guess I just have to learn that I will never be the "same" again. I am always going to be a survivor, and I am always going to have that in my past, and its something that I have to learn to live with....and that I am going to have side effects from everything. The nightmares are always going to be there, the memories of sitting in ICU, all the noises from the other patients that were in there....all the scary memories, and even the funny ones. I just wish I could block some of them out and go on with my life. I never thought any of that would of had as much impact on my life as it does. Everyday I think about it.

Its like after I had all that happen to me I never want to be away from Xavier or Andrew. As much as I love spending Thursday nights at my moms, I hate leaving Andrew for the night. The only thing that gets me through is being with Xavier. I honestly dont know how parents can leave their children for even a night with someone. I just cant bring myself to do it. I think I still have the guilt of being in the hospital for 12 days when Xavier was only a month old. Yes, I got to see him every night because Andrew would bring him up for me....but that wasnt enough. I just have this guilt that no one understands that I wasnt there for him when he was a month old. I feel guilty, that time is supposed to be all about him, but it wasnt, it was all about me. I get asked all the time if we need a babysitter for the night for Andrew and I to go out and everything and I make up excuses or just say "no" because I can not leave him. I hear all the time that peoples kids went away for the night and they had the house to themselves, and I just dont get it. I cant bring myself to do that. I feel selfish doing that, because I am a mommy now and yes, I understand that Andrew and I need time to, but that is what after he goes to bed is for. I cant imagine not having him to wake up to...or him crawling in our bed in the middle of the night. I just cant do it. I am not knocking anyone that does this, I am sort of jealous in a way that people can do this, but mentally, I am not ready yet. I know I should try to leave him more, and Im trying to bring myself to do this, but I just cant right yet. Andrew and I have left him 2 times since he was born...thats it. 2 times in 18 months....and I even feel guilty about that.

Nikki

passed out.

2009-08-16T22:16:00.003-04:00

Whoa...was this a busy weekend....but it was a really nice weekend, and I think Andrew and I needed that. Today was Riley's second birthday as I wrote earlier. We were at Andrews moms from around 1:30pm-7:45pm. Its nice though because Xavier passed out literally as soon as we walked back over to our house and has been sleep ever since. Its soo funny, he is in his bed fully dressed from today...cake stains and all. lol.

I never realized how nice it is to have a child in bed by 8pm. I think this is the first time in months that this has happened. It is just so quiet, I think even the cats are enjoying it. Tobie (the middle child cat) is laying on the bed half sleep just looked at me like "where is the boy"? Too Cute.

I just wanted to check in with my bloggers, I am going to enjoy the quiet and hope that Xavier sleeps through the night in his own bed.

Sweet Dreams

Nikki

Ugh.

2009-08-16T10:21:00.000-04:00

All this time waiting for my period, she makes her grand entrance and I swear its the worse one in forever. I just feel like crap-o. Ugh.

Last night Xavier came into bed with us sometime in the middle of the night. It was cute because this morning he woke up around 9am. Andrew woke up but faked sleep. He said Xavier went into his bedroom, turned on the tv....he could hear the news on for a minute, then some cartoons, then he made his way on the tv to the Disney Channel, and then it stayed there, and he could hear X in his room playing! How cute is that! I cant believe he did that, I mean, he is only 18 months old! I just think that is the cutest....he let us sleep.

I have to get up out of bed and make my way to Walgreens. I need to get some wrapping paper for Rye's gift. They are having cake and icecream at Andrews Moms house (right acrossed the street from us) around 2pm this afternoon. Xavier picked out her birthday gift, a little cabbage patch doll....I know Rye is going to love it, especially since she carried around Xaviers ugly little stuffed thing around like a baby! haha.

Okay, time for me to get my bootay out of bed and get this day started. Fun Fun!

Nikki

Surprise!

2009-08-15T22:04:00.001-04:00

Im sorta disappointed...but then again I know things will happen when the time is right....as you can tell....5 days late....my lovely monthly visitor came today. I figured it would...but I was hoping it wouldnt. I mean, 5 days late, it never does that...never ever ever late...and not that late at all! Oh well, I am thankful I have the worlds greatest husband, and the best little boy ever. I honestly couldnt be more thankful and more happy about that. I ust keep telling myself when the time is right our family will expand. I am trying not to think about it or dwell on it that bad, because if I did that, I wouldnt enjoy the this time with Andrew and Xavier.

On a positive not, we took Xavier to the water spray park in our area today. It was soo fun, Xavier had a blast. I loved watching him run around and play. At first he wasnt sure about it....at all......he just stood there, but then he watched what all the other little kids were doing and he started. I think Andrew and I were more tired from chasing after him. He wore himself out though....he really did. Its 10pm and this boy is passed out right in the middle of us. He is going to go in his bed tonight, I bet he makes it all night in his room, that is how tired he is. Usually around 5am he wonders in with Andrew and I. Its soo cute watching him come in with his blankie or stuffed animal (or both). I love it.

I am going to enjoy some of this quiet time, it is rare that X is sleep at 10pm on a Saturday night, so I am going to enjoy it with Andrew. Maybe there is something interesting on TV (yea right).

Nikki

late,water,shopping.

2009-08-15T10:34:00.001-04:00

My period is still MIA! What is up with that? I have no idea where she can be hiding out at. I woke up this morning with a huge headache and I figured she would be showing her face, nothing...and to top it off I am still getting negative tests. I have no idea what can be going on. Im like 4-5 days late. I am NEVER late. I dont think I have ever been late (besides when I was pregnant with X) since I started my period when i was 10 years old. Hmmmm.

Today we are going to the "water spray park" with Xavier. He is going to have soo much fun. I have never been to one, and they put one in around our area and its free....how fun is that. Its going up to like 88 degrees today, so I know we are all going to be enjoying the water. I am going to take lotta pix, so I will add some to my blog for everyone to enjoy, and you can finally put a picture to everyone I am talking about.

Tomorrow is our Niece's birthday. She is going to be 2. I babysit her during the week. I am going out later tonight to get her a gift. She has been carrying around Xaviers stuffed Captin Kurt doll (dont ask....someone got it out of a grab machine and gave it to him) so I figure the little girl needs a babydoll. What amazed me, I went to the Walmart website and they do not carry Cabbage Patch. I thought everyone carried them. Then I looked up toys r us, same thing. TARGET is the only one that I can find that carries a good amount of cabbage patch dolls. I couldnt believe it. I am so happy I looked it up or else I would be running around tonight...and I am just not in the mood to do that.

Time for me to jump in the shower and get ready to take this boy to the park. I think I am more excited then anyone!!!

Nikki

Lucky Me.

2009-08-14T10:10:00.000-04:00

I am sitting at my parents. I just want to scream...my dad has no sense in how we raise Xavier. We have him on a schedule for breakfast/lunch/dinner, naps, pretty much everything, and he doesnt understand the fact that once he is off of it, it screws us up for days. He is ignorant to everything. I ask him not to do something, and he does it anyway....he doesnt understand that we do things differently....and Xavier is turning out pretty darn good as the result. I just cant take it here. I stay here a lot of Thursday nights that way we are here all day Friday....and Andrew comes past and picks us up once he is off work. Im really rethinking all this because it honestly only causes me more stress that I dont need right now. I just cant take it.

As for my period....its still not here. I dont know where its at, I dont know whats going on. I woke up feeling as if I was going to get it, but NOTHING. I have no idea what to think about the whole situation. I dont want to set myself up for disappointment. I am still thinking it is going to come...if I start thinking its not going to come and it does I think I will be nothing but sad. So I am just waiting....I will probably test again tomorrow morning if it of course is still MIA. Keep your fingers crossed for me that something happens...either way...just so we arent driving ourselves crazy playing guessing games.

Well time to make the best of this day at my moms with a million other thoughts running through my mind. lucky me. ugh.

Nikki

Jumping into this.

2009-08-13T12:54:00.000-04:00

I figure I would jump right into blogging. Im sitting here going crazy. Andrew and I have been sorta trying for a new baby for a few months. I say "sorta" because we are just having fun with it, since we know 100% this will be our last pregnancy. Well, my period is the norm....every 28 days. Its always like clock work. Well of course this month, I am 3 days late. I have been testing every morning with the dollar store tests...believe me, they work...I got results a week early with Xavier. Well, no period, negative on all the tests. I have been stressed this week for the normal reasons...money, all that adult stuff. Usually stress doesnt bother me like that. Well, I am really hoping that I get a postive pregnancy test and good ol'auntie stays away, but Im starting to think its just stress. I dont know if its "our time" yet. Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish in even wanting another baby. I mean, Andrew and I have a perfect baby.....we couldnt ask for more. With the chances we are taking in having another one, is it worth it. I ask myself that from time to time. I mean, am I really ready to give myself shots in my tummy throughout the whole pregnancy. Im scared. I know I can do it because I have done it before...but what if I get the morning sickness like I did with Xavier. I mean, I had morning sickness soo bad for 18 weeks, I lost 20lbs. I couldnt keep anything down but cheez-its, everyone thought Xavier was going to come out square and orange. I mean, with that morning sickness I know I couldnt give myself those shots, it would probably make me puke. UGH. Maybe I would have Andrews mom do it since she is a nurse and lives acrossed the street from me, or maybe even show Andrew how to do it? I dont know, I guess its something I really should start thinking about. Its little things like that, that makes me wonder "am i really ready for a 2nd child". I know I am ready, but am i READY for everything that is going to go into this pregnancy. Its a hard decision, and one that I am ready to make, I just know this pregnancy is going to be harder then Xavier...even if I dont have the morning sickness. Im just rambling on and on, but these are the thoughts that I have. As I sit here not knowing if I have a little one growing inside me, or if AF is just playing a dirty little joke on me....I wonder.....wonder.....wonder.....

Nikki

Caught up.

2009-08-13T11:32:00.000-04:00

I thought I would start a blog, just to document how I feel...kinda like a little outlet. Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Nikki, I have been married to the love of my life, Andrew, for a little over 3 years. We had our first little boy, Xavier, on Feb 15th, 2008. He is the love of our lives. We just couldnt of asked for a better little boy, I swear he is our everything.

A month after I had Xavier (I had him c-section) I developed a pain in my leg. I couldnt walk but I just thought it had to do with the c-section. To make a long story short (if you want the whole story, please feel free to email me) I developed a DVT in my leg from my groin to my knee (blood clot) and a piece of that broke off and I had a Pulmonary Embolism (clot in my lung.) I almost didnt make it, after 4 days in ICU, getting an IVC Filter in my vein, and getting my blood thin enough to come home....I 12 day stay in the hosital I was released. I was on Coumadin for almost a year, and finally got my IVC Fliter out....and now I am healthy. Although the scary thoughts of everything returning haunts me every day of my life.

I am a stay at home mommy to Xavier. I also watch my niece during the week. I love it, and I couldnt ask for a better job.

My doctor tells me that if I get pregnant again, I will have to take shots of Heparin in my belly every 8 hours (i dont know the full details of that yet). Andrew and I talked it over and are really willing to do whatever is possible to give Xavier a playmate. Yes, some people think I should wait a few more years, I think those people are just scared of what happened to me before. The time is right for Andrew and I to start trying...which we have been for a few months for another baby. We dont want my doctors to downplay what happened to me before, or else, have to get new doctors years down the line....so we think this is the right time to start trying to have a baby.

This blog is going to be my thoughts, and tries. I am not going to hold anything back. I want everyone that has gone through a DVT/Pulmonary Embolism that wants to get pregnant again to have someone to look up to, and to go to for questions and just follow. I want everyone that has had this happen to them know there is hope and anything is possible as long as you put your mind to it!

Nikki