Ive learned so much!

I havent been around much this week, but I promise this post is going to be interesting. I have learned so much about things this week...I just need to share. Most of the stuff I have learned doesn't even matter, but I dont care, like I said, I am not going to ever hold back!

That being said....the most important thing I have learned is to never be nice to people. When you go an extra step to be nice, it always turns around to bite you in the bootay. Seriously. I have bent over backwards over something that past year, and yet, I get a phone call and it all comes crashing down and then turned around to me being the bad person. I want to go into detail, I really do, but I just want to put this whole frustrating situation in back of me. There is no point to even tell it, because seriously...it only can do more harm then good. I just want to say this, when you want to go that extra mile, especially for family, make sure it is truely worth it, because no matter what you do, it always can be turned into something negative. I would normally not say this, and I would say "treat others how you would want to be treated" BUT....that saying is not true, because no matter how nice you be to someone, it usually turns into something negative.

Going through that whole situation, I told Andrew that I was going to go to the liquor store and get some very nice boxed wine. Yes, I said it...boxed wine. I told him that I was going to have a night of not counting the glasses, and he was going to have to look after the little one. He told me that I totally deserve to do this for myself, and I dont think he even counted the glasses. I think he knew what my out come the next day was going to be, and that was why he encouraged the drinking...Im sure he was sitting at his desk laughing as I was PUKING MY GUTS OUT in the trash can in the kitchen that next afternoon while my toddler stood there mocking my loud puking noises. Attractive? I think not.........needed? YES. The part where I couldnt even walk to the bathroom to pee was fun, but the next day was not so fun....and then I went back to life....hungover. NOT FUN. Boxed Wine is surely the devil is disguise.

On the way to get my boxed wine I found out a fun fact about myself. I never think too much when I am driving, I just drive, and watch out for the other idiots on the road. I cant believe I never found out this amusing fact about myself until now....I break my SUV with only my BIG TOE! There I said it, I break using my big toe. Is that safe? I dont know....I dont really care, I just do it. I do this because I never wear my flip flops when I drive, I always slide them off....therefore my toe is free...totally random, just love that about me. Its something I only know about myself, and now every time I break my car I smile. :)

Im going crazy tonight because my facebook will not let me in, it says my profile is down for maintenance. Im losing my yoville money as I speak as all my bakery items burn up! (all you addicts will know just what I am talking about). I am completely addicted to writting what I am doing during the day and reading what others are doing too. I love to be nosey, and that is just a window for me to do it. I thought I was the only one that wrote everything, the steps of my day out, but I am not...far from alone in my addiction. Its great. Then I thought about it, if I am reading everyones, Im sure everyone is addicted to reading mine too! I love it. I will write just about anything....okay, I write anything, I dont care, I just have to share. I love updating from my phone, I love updating from my computer, shoot, I even update from my dads computer when I am at my moms and I have no signal on my phone. Addicted.

Our internet is running sooooo crappy lately. Comcast is on my bad list. I hate it. Period. I hate it worse then my period. I am thinking about switching, but if I switch, do you know how much of a PITA that is going to be with all my sites that I am on with my comcast email addresses. I dont know what to do....I am just sick of my internet being slow/going out every single night. I cant live w/out the internet, its like its attached to me. Gosh, I dont know what i would do without it. I am in love with it............facebook i need you....! I soooooooooo am going crazy since I cant update my status that I am blogging....omg.

Love,
Nikki

Sleepless Night...yet again!

This med I am on (effexor) is literally messing with me, and I think its doing it on purpose. If I take it in the morning it makes me soo sick I almost puke (im lucky i havent, i just hold down the chunks) and if I take it at night before bed, I am up half the night without feeling sick? I dont know what I am doing wrong, I have tried everything, taking it on a full tummy, empty tummy...how the heck it tells time I will never know. Soooo...I am up...yet again. I look over to my left and my hubby and son are sleeping, right next to me is one of my cats (tobie) sleeping, and I am up blogging. Nice. I gotta figure something out. OMG...if I could take this in the morning and not get sick and have this much energy my house would be spotless and organized all the time and I would work out everyday just to burn off the energy...but I cant do all that because I dont want to make noise as these 2 sleep. UGH. I dont know what to do. I think tomorrow I am not going to take it before bed, I am going to get up Sunday, eat something and then take it and see how it works. We will see, my fingers will be crossed.

Nothing is planned this weekend. Xavier has a nasty cold, Andrew is getting a cold, and Im sneezing, and hoping and saying its just allergies. I am going to run to wally world tomorrow (yes Im that crazy) just to get out of the house for a little while and leave these 2 sick guys home. I cant stand men sick. I dont mind Xavier, he just sits on my lap and watches TV, but grown men, they just annoy me. I have not met one man yet that doesnt act worse then a baby when they are sick. If they are out there, I would love to see it, because I dont believe any man can be "man enough" for a little cold. I cant stand to see a grown man act that way, it annoys me. I am mommy twenty four seven, I am never off....how the heck do they get to turn "daddy" off for a little while to whine and complain. I will never get it. Yes, I love him to pieces :)

I can just imagine what I am getting myself into by going to walmart on a saturday. I know I am going to come home in a horrible mood with stories and stories. I cant take people. I really cant...I can block children out, but I cant block adults out, and sometimes, well MOST of the time they act worse then the kids. Drives me insane. Im even thinking about going to walk around IKEA, I havent done that in forever and ever and I really could use a new coffee table for the living room. Nothing fancy, just one of those cheapo ones they sell. With a toddler I am quick to learn that is all I need until he is older and knows what to put on and not put on the table. What to NOT spill all over the place...UGH!

Im sure I will be blogging when I get home to tell everyone about my Saturday out! Stay tuned, Im sure I will be entertaining. Oh yea, Im even stopping for a bottle of wine, so tomorrow night after the boy is in bed...can get fun!


Nikki

"Bubble Boy"

I have to do it, I have to blog about this mess. My friend called me yesterday and told me to put on CNN, and I honestly thought this lil'boy was in that balloon. I couldnt figure out why/how he was in there but I was soo scared for him. When that balloon landed and he wasnt in there and wanted to cry because I was sure he had fallen out...but then I got to thinking (along with the reporters) that there is no way for him to fall out, there were no holes in it. I thought that he was scared and hiding...like it claims. Then I saw the larry king interview last night, and that poor little boy didnt know what to say. When that little boy said something about "i thought it was all for a show" I thought he was mixed up, until the dad started fidgeting and trying to cover up what that little boy said...I was like "this father made it all up". THEN I woke up and watched the interview on the Today show, the little boy puking and all (which i thought was soo funny because the dad looked like he was about to blow too) then the father got really upset because people are not believing the story. To me it just doesnt add up. There is something that is missing, and I dont think that little boy would of hid for 3 hours. Their story is that he hid cause the dad yelled at him....well then why did the other boy say that he was up in the balloon? It honestly doesnt add up at all...this situation is all weird. As of right now I am not convinced. I cant wait to see what comes of this. What ticks me off the most, I missed Days of Our Lives yesterday to watch this balloon...UGH!

Nikki

Its been awhile.

Oh has it been awhile since I have updated, and I need to apologize for that. Life got in the way! (lol). Honestly, I have been in this depressed mode lately...but I got to the docs and Im feeling way better. Let me explain. I was on Zoloft for the past 2-3 years. Before I got pregnant with Xavier I was on Effexor for my anxiety and depression, but I had to change meds when I was pregnant. I think I just got used to the Zoloft because I got to the point I didnt want to do anything, I had no sex drive at all...I didnt even want to clean my house. I went to the doctor about 2 weeks ago, and I got back on my Effexor and I am seriously like a new person. Andrew and I had to make the decision that we are on hold with the baby making for the time being. I also have to work on myself. I weighed in at the doctors and I weigh more now then when I went in to have Xavier. That made me sick. I cant believe I let myself go like that. I was doing good and then I put on a lot of weight. Im not blaming my thyroid, but he said it could be that because with all the blood work its not working correctly, so I am on meds for that, which he is going to up in about 4 weeks when I go back to see him. I just cant believe how good I feel on the Effexor. I clean everyday, I just am all together in a better mood....and Andrew likes it because my sex drive is back....and its back 120%! hahaha. Lovely.

Another BIG update, the Pa Budget finally got signed a few days ago so that means I am going to start getting paid again. Thank goodness, I thought I was never going to have money again! We are excited to get that big check. I have soo many plans and things that need to get done....I just cant wait. The one thing I am doing....Christmas shopping lay away. That is at the top of my list, so that will be taken care of and out of the way! WHOO HOO! .

I went on my much needed girls weekend last week. It was soo needed, and soo nice. We went to the little bar, and just had a good time sitting next to the camp fire all night. It was just a nice calm weekend. We actually went up Friday night and came home Sunday afternoon...so it was 2 nights away from my house. I of coursed missed my 2 guys, but not as much as I did last year. (Xavier was a baby)...this year was just nice. I think they liked having their "man weekend" together anyway! haha. Sooo cute.

Well, like I said before, the baby making is on hold...it just has to be. I need to get myself together...which I am going to turn this blog into. I hope that doesnt matter, and I hope everyone still enjoys my posts. I am still 100% going to blog about my experiences and getting DVT's and Pulmonary Awareness out there to everyone. I am just going to take you on my little journey to getting myself together, losing weight, and my life. I still plan on being open and honest about anything and everything...!

Love,
Nikki

Pennsylvania State Budget/Pittsburgh G-20.....lovely.

I feel like the world is going is fast forward lately, and my broke butt is sitting still. It is like I am sitting here waiting on the state to decide when they want to pass this budget so I can get paid. Im still not getting paid, and its really starting to hurt. It really is, I have no idea what we are going to do if something isnt done soon. Im sick of wondering when someone is going to do something. Then I sit here and think of the day cares that are not getting paid, there is always someone worse then me....and I try to remember that. As I try to remember that, my selfish side thinks "who cares" because the bill collectors are not going to excuse me because there is someone worse then me. lol.

Another worry I have is this G-20 summit is coming to Pittsburgh next week. I am so sick of hearing about it, but I just want it to get here and be done with. They are preparing so much for it, and all the security. Ugh...I just dont want the protests to be like they were at the last one in England (I think it was there). Then I do the craziest thing. I told everyone "We are not leaving the house those days...blah blah blah" I made Xavier and I doctor appts for next Thursday, the first day of it. Lovely. I had to though because Andrew took vacation days because of all this craziness...and that is the only time that I could get the doctor appointments out of the way. Lovely.

I am nervous about my doctor appt. I keep having a pain in my abdomen. I have myself convinced that I have Pancreatic Cancer...and now that Patrick Swayzie died, and that is all I am hearing about it makes me more nervous. I honestly think that it is a hernia from when I had my Gallbladder out, but I am still nervous because I have been soo tired lately and I just dont feel like doing anything. Then that can be from being broke and just being depressed about that. I always think something bad is wrong with me ever since I had the clots. I think of the worst because I always think "what else could go wrong with me." I hate it. I am wondering what is wrong with me though. I have more then a week to wait, and its killing me to see what my doctor says. He is probably going to think I am crazy. I know he is going to yell at me because I have gained weight and not lost any, but that goes with me not wanting to do anything, Im lucky I get dressed some days. I am on Zoloft, and I honestly dont think it is working, I either need more or I need something different. Another thing that I dont have is a sex drive. It seriously is just not there. It is not anything to do with Andrew or anything like that, it is just me. I hate it. I think I need a different kinda med...so that is another thing that I need to talk to the doctor about. Sucks.

Okay, I am going to go chill out with Xavier. I have cramps from hell today and I just want to lay on the couch, but I know Xavier is not going to let me do that because he is just in a bad mood today. I hope me and him both can nap....I want to take a long long long nap. lol.

*yawn*

I swear these days go by soo slow, and there is still no light at the end of the "not signed budget". I feel like this blog is turning into me complaining about the budget, I didnt want this blog to be about me ranting about the money we have and dont have. i really wanted this to be about trying to have another baby and what i have to go through due to my health history....but i want this blog to be as real as possible, so this is what is going on in my life right now....and unfortunately that means trying to have another baby is on hold for right now. Hopefully that wont last for too much longer.

Andrew took Xavier with him to his dads this evening, that gives me some more quiet time. I wish I could go upstairs and take a nap, that is what I would really like to do, but Xavier emptied out his toy box all over the living room floor this afternoon, so that needs to be cleaned, then I have all the dishes from today to put in the dishwasher and get some dinner ready. UGH. I swear its never ending. I should be doing that now....but I just felt like sitting here blogging for a minute since tonight is going to be busy and I am hoping to get to bed earlier tonight. I stayed up til 2am this morning getting 2 digital scrap kits up in my store. I wanted to start a new one today but I just have no creativity left in me right now. I think one I get upstairs knowing I have a clean house I will be able to think about what I want to do next.

Okay, let me get this house cleaned...I dont want Andrew to come home to a messy house (again). haha.

talk later.

.life.

I am so happy for cooler weather. I am completely ready for fall to get here. It is 100% my favorite time of the year. I havent updated in a few days, I just havent had the energy to do anything. Xavier and I spent the night at my mom and dads again Thursday night....and that is pretty much what has been going on. Im still waiting for Pennsylvania to sign the budget so I can get paid. I am so depressed that we have to be on such a tight budget. I have bills coming it and the more they come in the more depressed I get because I know we have 100% no money to spend after bills. I cant take it anymore. Its soo not fair, I cant believe how much we really rely on the babysitting money that was coming in. It just makes me sick. I guess PA is supposed to start talking more about it this week. If they dont do something this coming week there are going to be hundreds of day cares closing. I dont understand, if they passed a little bit of the budget to get state workers paid, why cant they pass another part of it to keep day cares going strong? It just doesnt make sense to me. If they close day cares people are going to have the quit their jobs because they have no where to send their kids. Why doesnt my state care about that? I would think that would be up there in priority with getting state works paid, but i guess it doesnt. I guess low income families are not on the minds of PA....it just saddens me.

We really have no big plans this weekend. I think we are going to go to Andrews moms house across the street tonight for awhile to visit. Its soo weird, we live soo close to them yet we hardly see them. I feel bad, its just that our lives are soo busy. I would think it would be the other way around, we would see them more then my parents, its odd....I think its because they have 2 younger girls and they always have something going on.

Im still trying to ignore the pain in my right leg. I really dont understand why it keeps hurting the way it does. Im annoyed by it, I really am. It is doing nothing but getting worse, but what do i do? There is no color change, no swelling, just hurting. I guess I have to live with it. It just makes me wonder. I am so scared there is something else going on in there, but the hospital said my legs were clear of clots. I am trying to walk more....but the more depressed I get over money and things like that, the more I dont want to do anything....so it just makes it harder. I really hate being an adult at times....I really do.

Hopefully we will have some good news soon. Until then TTC#2 is on hold...Ill keep everyone updated on that. Life.