Who throws away that?!

Before I make this post, let me start by saying this, if I ever complain about anyone in my family, I love them all dearly, but that doesnt mean that I have my "dislike" moments. I get along with my family....we just have our moments...I mean, who doesnt? lol.

That being said I stayed over my mom and dads again on Thursday night. I love staying over there because it gets me out of the house and I get to visit them. Not to mention I bring our clothes for the week to wash because we dont have a washer and dryer in our house, we dont have hookups or else we would, because its a really big PITA.

We go into my mom and dads and I knew it was going to be a long 24 hours because the house was at sub zero....! Seriously. When the temp reaches 70 degrees my dad thinks its time to put the AC on full blast until the summer is over and its below 70 degrees again. It was freezing. Not just cold...freezing. Feeling cold down to your bones freezing. Who does that! I cant stand being cold, and of you complain its like the biggest NO NO ever. It drives me crazy. So I bring Xavier his winter PJ's when we stay down there, and I hide under a blanket the whole time, because as much as i LOVE to be cold...its too cold. Plain and simple.

So I go in to go to the bathroom and I happen to look in the trash, there was a roll of toilet paper in the garbage with toilet paper on it. It was the only thing in the garbage so I thought I might have knocked it in there. Im trying to think how I could explain how must TP was left on the roll....lets just say enough for a women to use it to wipe about 5 times of TT'ing...so a good amount was left. I used some, then later that afternoon went back in.......it was back in the garbage. So I brought it out and asked "Why do you throw away TP with this much left on the roll?" My mom said "your dad does that all the time and I dont understand it." OMG I wanted to flip out...its hard enough purchasing something that you are just going to wipe your bootay with and throw away in the first place, but to throw any amount of unused away and not think twice about it? It just makes me crazy. I swear my dad has no concept of money.

Its little things like that, that drive me crazy when I go down there. Andrew and I are just getting by right now...barely making it because we are so used to getting my babysitting money from the state....but until we start getting that money again (whenever our darn governer signs PA's yearly budget) we are on a budget....a strict one. So when I go down to my parents and see stuff like that, and get told about him buying things for his ham radios, things that are useless to me, and cost a couple hundred dollars I get a little mad...its not jealously...its just I dont want to hear about what you are buying when you KNOW that we are on this budget. Its not our fault that we live in PA and my pay is held up until this budget is signed, but that is how it is. Andrew and I are starting to have a hard time because we didnt realize how dependent we were on getting my paycheck everymonth. Ugh. I cant stand people that dont have a concept of money and just throw it out the window like its nothing.

My mom and dad struggled when raising me. They had really hard times...who doesnt? Its like my dad forgets about those times, and acts like Andrew and I are doing something wrong. Then we hear that we need to buy a house. I am sorry, no one NEEDS to buy a house. Some people dont. I think its very mature of Andrew and I to say "we are not ready to purchase a house" rather then going out, purchasing one, and loosing it. Does that make sense? My dad doesnt understand what goes into buying a house....I used to do that for a living, so I know...and we are not ready. Right now, if something breaks, someone comes and fixes it and we dont have to worry about the money and the cost. If we owned a house right now and something broke we would be screwed. We are not ready for all that. Being some what broke and then hearing that we NEED to buy a house is not something I want to hear, and when we go down there to visit and hear all that stuff...it just drives me crazy.

That is my rant of the day, I just needed to get that out. I have soo much to blog about this weekend, but Im going to save some for later. I am going to work on some of my digital scrapping kits, and enjoy this lazy day with my little family.

Our tires are not slashed!

What more could a family that is down to one income because our lovely state can not come to an agreement on a budget.....2 brand new tires slashed. Yup....we get $900 worth of tires put on our SUV 2 weeks ago, and 2 of them are now slashed. Lovely. What kinda person does that kinda random act? Were you not hugged enough as a child....or was it a child. A child that is screaming for some sort of attention?! Either way, Im pissed. Andrew had to use a vacation day, that way we could go rent a car....and we thought we would be able to talk to our insurance company, get in, pay our $100 deductible and be on our way with 2 new tires. I was wrong...wrong wrong wrong. State Farm didnt even call us back to talk about the Claim today. Here, it takes them 24-72 hours. FOR SOME FREAKING TIRES! The good thing about the rental...its only $4.75 a day.....well plus the $100 hold they have on my account. *rolls eyes* Like I am going to steal a car...I dont want the piece of shit, I want 2 new tires and to beat the ass of the lil'kid or who ever stabbed our tires to their early demise. Im beyond pissed. I swear everytime we get one step ahead something pushes us back down the steps.

Now about this Pennsylvania Budget. Now that they signed the part where the state employees get paid no one cares about it. I watch my niece, and now that the state hasnt signed the budget the grant for the program they use to pay me is not there...so NO MONEY. SO...now I am missing that pay check. That is a big part of our survival in this world. How do you just take that away. Now a lot of preschools and day cares might have to close because they cant pay their employees. I just dont get it....people that have money dont care about the people on a budget. Sometimes I feel like we are the only one on a tight budget. Anyone else out there willing to kill for an extra $100? lmao.

No matter what I seem to do, all I keep thinking about is our SUV just sitting there off to one side looking soo sad....then I think "we are down $100 this month that we really didnt have to begin with" and I want to crawl in bed and lay there....but I cant....I have to be strong and just figure things out. So much for "wanting to be an adult" all those years.


Nikki

Peace and Quiet....for now

Oh thank goodness, the boy is finally sleeping. I swear to goodness he was soo tired he just wouldnt fall asleep. He would cry and cry. He is sleep in the middle of Andrew and I, and I dont dare move him. He went to sleep earlier this evening, it gave me a hour of quiet to watch Big Brother. Andrew came back downstairs with me for the hour. I went up at 10pm peeked in at him and he scared me, he was sitting up in bed looking around....so of course he followed me back into our room. Then he cried and cried cause I couldnt hold him and he wanted me to hold him. My leg is still giving me trouble and seems to be getting worse, I dont know whats up with that one, but everytime I would get comfy to have Xavier lay on me, of course he didnt want to lay on me anymore. It just annoyed me after doing it so many times I told him "no more" and let him cry it out til he fell asleep. I feel bad, but there is no way he can sit on my leg right now.

I dont know why the heck it is hurting so bad. Last year when I had the DVT, I went to one hospital and they sent me home after doing the doppler saying I was fine, the next day when I went to the other hospital the saw the clot. I went to the same hospital last night that found it the last time (and we still wonder how the first hospital didnt find anything) anyway, I am scared something is still developing because of how it hurts. I keep watching for the color changes/swelling but so far nothing. I have no idea what could be making it hurt like this. It even hurts when I get up to walk it out, which walking it out would clear it up last week this time. Im starting to get annoyed.

My goal tonight was to get 2 digital kits up in my store...but I didnt, I only got one....Xaviers crying and Andrews snoring just put me in a mood, and I am too tired to deal with anything. I am happy I got one up....hopefully tomorrow I will get to work on some more things and get caught up.

Okay, its 12am and I really want to lay down and get comfy. I am debating if I want to wake Andrew up to put Xavier into his bed...I dont dare do that, everytime I go to move that boy he wakes up, so I made it Andrews job. (lol)

night night,

Nikki

Banana

Xavier saying Banana.....finally a video! WHOO HOOO!

Promoting.

I have been trying to figure out how to promote a blog to get readers....maybe no one wants to read my blog....oh well! haha. This is my little outlet. I haven't even given my hubby my blog address... honestly, i dont even think he knows that I blog. ha.

Its nap time...YAY. I should be cleaning the living room, There are plastic toys everywhere....It really looks like toys r us threw up. Its annoying. I am trying to teach Xavier that he needs to pick up. He will help when I do it, but other then that he doesn't. After he is done playing with one toy he just leaves it and goes on to the next. Sometimes I just sit here and watch him wondering what is going on in the little mind of his. He is soo funny.

I need to figure out how to post the video of him saying "banana". It is soo funny. I think he thinks he is saying it because in his lil'mind it sounds like he is saying it. I swear its the cutest little video. I havent even figured out how to post pictures. I am trying to dress up my blog a bit. I am looking for pictures and stuff to make it look pretty and up to date...if that makes any sorta sense. I want make a banner with one of those cute cartoon girls on it...but I cant seem to find a site that has them to use for free...heck I cant even find a site with them! haha. If anyone knows/understands what I am going on and on about just leave me a comment. It would be wonderful.

Time for me to clean, do my daily exercise, and get lunch for the boy when he decides to wake up. Ill blog more later......


Nikki

a visit to the er.

I spent a few hours in the ER tonight. For the past week I havent really said anything to anyone cause I thought I was sitting/sleeping wrong. I have hadd this pain keep grabbing in my lower leg, what kinda feels like a "charlie horse". I thought it would stop so that is why I just ignored it. Well it used to get better if I stood up and walked around, but lately I noticed it not getting better and it didnt matter what I did, it would show up....so I decided I needed to visit the ER and get a doppler done on my lower leg. I just kept thinking if I didnt go, and something did happen, I am home alone with Xavier all day, and I didnt want something to happen to put him in harms way....! Well, I went and I have NO CLOTS! *claps* I was happy to hear that. I still dont know why I am having those pains, the doctor said I could of pulled it, but I dont think I did. I dont know. They also said it could be from last year....who knows. I told him I didnt care what the heck it was as long as I didnt have clots. So Im fine. Thank goodness. When I got there, there were 52 people waiting, and only 31 rooms..and they were all full....thank goodness with my background I got right in and right out. I knew everything too...I am soo used to being there, I knew my history, I told them as it was and that was it. There were people mad and I got soo many dirty looks because they were there sooo much longer then I was....I was in and out. I just dont think people understand that if you go the ER for a hurt toe and especially a very busy ER at that, you are going to be on the bottom of the list....its just that simple. I dont understand what is so hard to understand about that. UGH....oh well...Im healthy and that is all that matters to me.

I came home and Xavier was soo happy to see me. I just can eat him up. I swear he is the cutest little boy on the planet....yea yea yea, I know every mom says that about their kids. LOL. I put on some Yo Gabba Gabba for him, and we stayed downstairs a little longer tonight since I wanted to be close to him for awhile since I left him and Andrew at home while I went to the ER. There was no reason for anyone else to go but me, I knew what they were going to do, and if I needed anything the ER is practiclly in walking distance of our home. No Biggie.

Im thinking about spending the night at my mom and dads again Thursday night. I enjoy getting out of the house w/Xavier. Even though I miss Andrew like crazy and have to sleep in a little single bed (with xavier curled up next to me) its nice to have the day with my mom. I always feel bad asking her if she is doing anything. I know she LOVES when we come down, but I dont want her to feel like she has to agree to us coming down every Friday, since it is her day off. She works 4 10 hour days and gets off Friday-Monday. It just makes life so much easier for me and Andrew because we spend the night/the day down there and that means Andrew and I are free from having to go down and visit on his 2 days off....since we usually have so much running around to do ourselves.

Okay, my 2 men are snoring next to me and I think I am going to catch some zzzz's myself. I just want to cuddle up next to them and be thankful that I have them both in my life. Night night.

Nikki

.guilt.

After I had the DVT in my leg my team of doctors told me there is a chance my leg could never be the same again...meaning if i sit/stand/walk/run whatever too much it can hurt and I might have that pain for the rest of my life. I thought I was lucky because I had none of that, I was perfectly normal. Well, the past few weeks, if I sit too long, my leg aches. It hurts and its not a painful hurt, its more of an annoying stabbing pain. I get upset everytime it does it because it brings back so many bad memories for me. Its not even the same pain as when I had the blood clots, It just reminds me of it. I dont know why it hurts like that. It makes me scared because I am always thinking that I am going to develope clots again. Why would I have this pain if something is not happening in there? Its honestly not even in the same location as where I had the DVT...its lower, and I think that is what scares me more. I dont know if I should call the doctor or just keep walking it out like I have been doing. Its not constant, and its not doing anything that they told me to watch out for. I guess I just have to learn that I will never be the "same" again. I am always going to be a survivor, and I am always going to have that in my past, and its something that I have to learn to live with....and that I am going to have side effects from everything. The nightmares are always going to be there, the memories of sitting in ICU, all the noises from the other patients that were in there....all the scary memories, and even the funny ones. I just wish I could block some of them out and go on with my life. I never thought any of that would of had as much impact on my life as it does. Everyday I think about it.

Its like after I had all that happen to me I never want to be away from Xavier or Andrew. As much as I love spending Thursday nights at my moms, I hate leaving Andrew for the night. The only thing that gets me through is being with Xavier. I honestly dont know how parents can leave their children for even a night with someone. I just cant bring myself to do it. I think I still have the guilt of being in the hospital for 12 days when Xavier was only a month old. Yes, I got to see him every night because Andrew would bring him up for me....but that wasnt enough. I just have this guilt that no one understands that I wasnt there for him when he was a month old. I feel guilty, that time is supposed to be all about him, but it wasnt, it was all about me. I get asked all the time if we need a babysitter for the night for Andrew and I to go out and everything and I make up excuses or just say "no" because I can not leave him. I hear all the time that peoples kids went away for the night and they had the house to themselves, and I just dont get it. I cant bring myself to do that. I feel selfish doing that, because I am a mommy now and yes, I understand that Andrew and I need time to, but that is what after he goes to bed is for. I cant imagine not having him to wake up to...or him crawling in our bed in the middle of the night. I just cant do it. I am not knocking anyone that does this, I am sort of jealous in a way that people can do this, but mentally, I am not ready yet. I know I should try to leave him more, and Im trying to bring myself to do this, but I just cant right yet. Andrew and I have left him 2 times since he was born...thats it. 2 times in 18 months....and I even feel guilty about that.



Nikki

passed out.

Whoa...was this a busy weekend....but it was a really nice weekend, and I think Andrew and I needed that. Today was Riley's second birthday as I wrote earlier. We were at Andrews moms from around 1:30pm-7:45pm. Its nice though because Xavier passed out literally as soon as we walked back over to our house and has been sleep ever since. Its soo funny, he is in his bed fully dressed from today...cake stains and all. lol.

I never realized how nice it is to have a child in bed by 8pm. I think this is the first time in months that this has happened. It is just so quiet, I think even the cats are enjoying it. Tobie (the middle child cat) is laying on the bed half sleep just looked at me like "where is the boy"? Too Cute.

I just wanted to check in with my bloggers, I am going to enjoy the quiet and hope that Xavier sleeps through the night in his own bed.

Sweet Dreams

Nikki

Ugh.

All this time waiting for my period, she makes her grand entrance and I swear its the worse one in forever. I just feel like crap-o. Ugh.

Last night Xavier came into bed with us sometime in the middle of the night. It was cute because this morning he woke up around 9am. Andrew woke up but faked sleep. He said Xavier went into his bedroom, turned on the tv....he could hear the news on for a minute, then some cartoons, then he made his way on the tv to the Disney Channel, and then it stayed there, and he could hear X in his room playing! How cute is that! I cant believe he did that, I mean, he is only 18 months old! I just think that is the cutest....he let us sleep.

I have to get up out of bed and make my way to Walgreens. I need to get some wrapping paper for Rye's gift. They are having cake and icecream at Andrews Moms house (right acrossed the street from us) around 2pm this afternoon. Xavier picked out her birthday gift, a little cabbage patch doll....I know Rye is going to love it, especially since she carried around Xaviers ugly little stuffed thing around like a baby! haha.

Okay, time for me to get my bootay out of bed and get this day started. Fun Fun!


Nikki