.guilt.

After I had the DVT in my leg my team of doctors told me there is a chance my leg could never be the same again...meaning if i sit/stand/walk/run whatever too much it can hurt and I might have that pain for the rest of my life. I thought I was lucky because I had none of that, I was perfectly normal. Well, the past few weeks, if I sit too long, my leg aches. It hurts and its not a painful hurt, its more of an annoying stabbing pain. I get upset everytime it does it because it brings back so many bad memories for me. Its not even the same pain as when I had the blood clots, It just reminds me of it. I dont know why it hurts like that. It makes me scared because I am always thinking that I am going to develope clots again. Why would I have this pain if something is not happening in there? Its honestly not even in the same location as where I had the DVT...its lower, and I think that is what scares me more. I dont know if I should call the doctor or just keep walking it out like I have been doing. Its not constant, and its not doing anything that they told me to watch out for. I guess I just have to learn that I will never be the "same" again. I am always going to be a survivor, and I am always going to have that in my past, and its something that I have to learn to live with....and that I am going to have side effects from everything. The nightmares are always going to be there, the memories of sitting in ICU, all the noises from the other patients that were in there....all the scary memories, and even the funny ones. I just wish I could block some of them out and go on with my life. I never thought any of that would of had as much impact on my life as it does. Everyday I think about it.

Its like after I had all that happen to me I never want to be away from Xavier or Andrew. As much as I love spending Thursday nights at my moms, I hate leaving Andrew for the night. The only thing that gets me through is being with Xavier. I honestly dont know how parents can leave their children for even a night with someone. I just cant bring myself to do it. I think I still have the guilt of being in the hospital for 12 days when Xavier was only a month old. Yes, I got to see him every night because Andrew would bring him up for me....but that wasnt enough. I just have this guilt that no one understands that I wasnt there for him when he was a month old. I feel guilty, that time is supposed to be all about him, but it wasnt, it was all about me. I get asked all the time if we need a babysitter for the night for Andrew and I to go out and everything and I make up excuses or just say "no" because I can not leave him. I hear all the time that peoples kids went away for the night and they had the house to themselves, and I just dont get it. I cant bring myself to do that. I feel selfish doing that, because I am a mommy now and yes, I understand that Andrew and I need time to, but that is what after he goes to bed is for. I cant imagine not having him to wake up to...or him crawling in our bed in the middle of the night. I just cant do it. I am not knocking anyone that does this, I am sort of jealous in a way that people can do this, but mentally, I am not ready yet. I know I should try to leave him more, and Im trying to bring myself to do this, but I just cant right yet. Andrew and I have left him 2 times since he was born...thats it. 2 times in 18 months....and I even feel guilty about that.



Nikki