Wednesday, November 18, 2009

It is soo time for a change. I am getting into a complete rut with myself. Its been almost 2 years of having Xavier and I feel like I have completely let myself go. I weigh more then I have ever in my life, and my hair is always in a pony tail. I just cant take it anymore. I am always in sweats and jeans, and I just want to start looking nice again. Not only for myself, but for my hubby. I feel like he just puts up with things and I cant stand just feeling "blah" all the time. I made an appointment with a hairdresser that is also a friend of mine, so I am sure she is going to do a good job, her hair always looks super cute. Im going for a complete change. I will post before and after pix later tonight. I cant wait to just start being me again, along with being "mommy". I feel like I have to start being me and not just mommy. I feel like I have lost touch with myself the past 2 years, which isnt a bad thing, but its time to bring the wife back into the marriage. I dont know if any of this makes sense, but I hope it does. I really want to work on myself....the next thing is start exercising regularly and drop some of this weight. I am not putting a goal on the weight, I am not even thinking numbers, I just want to drop weight...I want to feel good about myself...more then I already do :) because I always love myself.

Okay, I just wanted to update. I hope my hair turns out cute! :)


Sunday, November 15, 2009


I swear when will never learn, you can tell them something and a minute later its gone. I sometimes feel like I would be better off talking to a wall. Well if I did that, then he would remember I did maybe that would be a good way to get him to listen? Just sit here and talk to the wall...yes, I think that is what I need to do. UGH.

I havent been updating as much, things around this time with the holidays coming along just make me busy. I really need to start Christmas shopping. I keep saying it, I just dont go out and do it. I should go this week to put things on lay-a-way at Big K...just things for Xavier. I have a few ideas on what Santa is going to bring him, but I dont know everything. This year I think he might actually open his gifts by himself and start understanding things. Finally I "fun" Christmas.

I am sooo not looking forward to the Christmas crowds at the stores. We ran into WalMart last night and I wanted to shoot myself. I went down one aisle and of course some nasty looking lady is at the other end. I knew I should of just turned around but no, I didnt....I just wanted to get myself and go since Andrew and X were in the car waiting for me....what happened...the smell hit me, that nasty old wash cloth body funk smell and I puked a little in my mouth. The sad part was she was with her daughter or someone know they had to smell it, just tell them to take a freaking shower. I dont know how anyone could of sat in a car with her, because seriously, it was BAD. I cant take it....I would rather have bad ass kids running under my feet in a store then to smell someones funk.

Speaking of kids......why do people let their kids out to run around the shopping cart, or better yet PUSH the shopping cart in a busy WalMart. Just because your kids can walk doesnt mean they shouldnt sit in a cart. Especially when they are walking all around the cart and you are not paying attention to them. It drives me crazy when I have to keep saying "excuse me" and your kids wont listen. That also tells me they have no respect for adults and ticks me off even more. UGH! I can go on and on about this subject, and I know its just going to get worse around the holidays and Im going to complain about it more and more. I dread going shopping.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Ive learned so much!

I havent been around much this week, but I promise this post is going to be interesting. I have learned so much about things this week...I just need to share. Most of the stuff I have learned doesn't even matter, but I dont care, like I said, I am not going to ever hold back!

That being said....the most important thing I have learned is to never be nice to people. When you go an extra step to be nice, it always turns around to bite you in the bootay. Seriously. I have bent over backwards over something that past year, and yet, I get a phone call and it all comes crashing down and then turned around to me being the bad person. I want to go into detail, I really do, but I just want to put this whole frustrating situation in back of me. There is no point to even tell it, because only can do more harm then good. I just want to say this, when you want to go that extra mile, especially for family, make sure it is truely worth it, because no matter what you do, it always can be turned into something negative. I would normally not say this, and I would say "treat others how you would want to be treated" BUT....that saying is not true, because no matter how nice you be to someone, it usually turns into something negative.

Going through that whole situation, I told Andrew that I was going to go to the liquor store and get some very nice boxed wine. Yes, I said it...boxed wine. I told him that I was going to have a night of not counting the glasses, and he was going to have to look after the little one. He told me that I totally deserve to do this for myself, and I dont think he even counted the glasses. I think he knew what my out come the next day was going to be, and that was why he encouraged the drinking...Im sure he was sitting at his desk laughing as I was PUKING MY GUTS OUT in the trash can in the kitchen that next afternoon while my toddler stood there mocking my loud puking noises. Attractive? I think not.........needed? YES. The part where I couldnt even walk to the bathroom to pee was fun, but the next day was not so fun....and then I went back to life....hungover. NOT FUN. Boxed Wine is surely the devil is disguise.

On the way to get my boxed wine I found out a fun fact about myself. I never think too much when I am driving, I just drive, and watch out for the other idiots on the road. I cant believe I never found out this amusing fact about myself until now....I break my SUV with only my BIG TOE! There I said it, I break using my big toe. Is that safe? I dont know....I dont really care, I just do it. I do this because I never wear my flip flops when I drive, I always slide them off....therefore my toe is free...totally random, just love that about me. Its something I only know about myself, and now every time I break my car I smile. :)

Im going crazy tonight because my facebook will not let me in, it says my profile is down for maintenance. Im losing my yoville money as I speak as all my bakery items burn up! (all you addicts will know just what I am talking about). I am completely addicted to writting what I am doing during the day and reading what others are doing too. I love to be nosey, and that is just a window for me to do it. I thought I was the only one that wrote everything, the steps of my day out, but I am not...far from alone in my addiction. Its great. Then I thought about it, if I am reading everyones, Im sure everyone is addicted to reading mine too! I love it. I will write just about anything....okay, I write anything, I dont care, I just have to share. I love updating from my phone, I love updating from my computer, shoot, I even update from my dads computer when I am at my moms and I have no signal on my phone. Addicted.

Our internet is running sooooo crappy lately. Comcast is on my bad list. I hate it. Period. I hate it worse then my period. I am thinking about switching, but if I switch, do you know how much of a PITA that is going to be with all my sites that I am on with my comcast email addresses. I dont know what to do....I am just sick of my internet being slow/going out every single night. I cant live w/out the internet, its like its attached to me. Gosh, I dont know what i would do without it. I am in love with it............facebook i need you....! I soooooooooo am going crazy since I cant update my status that I am blogging....omg.


Saturday, October 17, 2009

Sleepless Night...yet again!

This med I am on (effexor) is literally messing with me, and I think its doing it on purpose. If I take it in the morning it makes me soo sick I almost puke (im lucky i havent, i just hold down the chunks) and if I take it at night before bed, I am up half the night without feeling sick? I dont know what I am doing wrong, I have tried everything, taking it on a full tummy, empty the heck it tells time I will never know. Soooo...I am up...yet again. I look over to my left and my hubby and son are sleeping, right next to me is one of my cats (tobie) sleeping, and I am up blogging. Nice. I gotta figure something out. OMG...if I could take this in the morning and not get sick and have this much energy my house would be spotless and organized all the time and I would work out everyday just to burn off the energy...but I cant do all that because I dont want to make noise as these 2 sleep. UGH. I dont know what to do. I think tomorrow I am not going to take it before bed, I am going to get up Sunday, eat something and then take it and see how it works. We will see, my fingers will be crossed.

Nothing is planned this weekend. Xavier has a nasty cold, Andrew is getting a cold, and Im sneezing, and hoping and saying its just allergies. I am going to run to wally world tomorrow (yes Im that crazy) just to get out of the house for a little while and leave these 2 sick guys home. I cant stand men sick. I dont mind Xavier, he just sits on my lap and watches TV, but grown men, they just annoy me. I have not met one man yet that doesnt act worse then a baby when they are sick. If they are out there, I would love to see it, because I dont believe any man can be "man enough" for a little cold. I cant stand to see a grown man act that way, it annoys me. I am mommy twenty four seven, I am never the heck do they get to turn "daddy" off for a little while to whine and complain. I will never get it. Yes, I love him to pieces :)

I can just imagine what I am getting myself into by going to walmart on a saturday. I know I am going to come home in a horrible mood with stories and stories. I cant take people. I really cant...I can block children out, but I cant block adults out, and sometimes, well MOST of the time they act worse then the kids. Drives me insane. Im even thinking about going to walk around IKEA, I havent done that in forever and ever and I really could use a new coffee table for the living room. Nothing fancy, just one of those cheapo ones they sell. With a toddler I am quick to learn that is all I need until he is older and knows what to put on and not put on the table. What to NOT spill all over the place...UGH!

Im sure I will be blogging when I get home to tell everyone about my Saturday out! Stay tuned, Im sure I will be entertaining. Oh yea, Im even stopping for a bottle of wine, so tomorrow night after the boy is in bed...can get fun!


Friday, October 16, 2009

"Bubble Boy"

I have to do it, I have to blog about this mess. My friend called me yesterday and told me to put on CNN, and I honestly thought this lil'boy was in that balloon. I couldnt figure out why/how he was in there but I was soo scared for him. When that balloon landed and he wasnt in there and wanted to cry because I was sure he had fallen out...but then I got to thinking (along with the reporters) that there is no way for him to fall out, there were no holes in it. I thought that he was scared and it claims. Then I saw the larry king interview last night, and that poor little boy didnt know what to say. When that little boy said something about "i thought it was all for a show" I thought he was mixed up, until the dad started fidgeting and trying to cover up what that little boy said...I was like "this father made it all up". THEN I woke up and watched the interview on the Today show, the little boy puking and all (which i thought was soo funny because the dad looked like he was about to blow too) then the father got really upset because people are not believing the story. To me it just doesnt add up. There is something that is missing, and I dont think that little boy would of hid for 3 hours. Their story is that he hid cause the dad yelled at him....well then why did the other boy say that he was up in the balloon? It honestly doesnt add up at all...this situation is all weird. As of right now I am not convinced. I cant wait to see what comes of this. What ticks me off the most, I missed Days of Our Lives yesterday to watch this balloon...UGH!


Monday, October 12, 2009

Its been awhile.

Oh has it been awhile since I have updated, and I need to apologize for that. Life got in the way! (lol). Honestly, I have been in this depressed mode lately...but I got to the docs and Im feeling way better. Let me explain. I was on Zoloft for the past 2-3 years. Before I got pregnant with Xavier I was on Effexor for my anxiety and depression, but I had to change meds when I was pregnant. I think I just got used to the Zoloft because I got to the point I didnt want to do anything, I had no sex drive at all...I didnt even want to clean my house. I went to the doctor about 2 weeks ago, and I got back on my Effexor and I am seriously like a new person. Andrew and I had to make the decision that we are on hold with the baby making for the time being. I also have to work on myself. I weighed in at the doctors and I weigh more now then when I went in to have Xavier. That made me sick. I cant believe I let myself go like that. I was doing good and then I put on a lot of weight. Im not blaming my thyroid, but he said it could be that because with all the blood work its not working correctly, so I am on meds for that, which he is going to up in about 4 weeks when I go back to see him. I just cant believe how good I feel on the Effexor. I clean everyday, I just am all together in a better mood....and Andrew likes it because my sex drive is back....and its back 120%! hahaha. Lovely.

Another BIG update, the Pa Budget finally got signed a few days ago so that means I am going to start getting paid again. Thank goodness, I thought I was never going to have money again! We are excited to get that big check. I have soo many plans and things that need to get done....I just cant wait. The one thing I am doing....Christmas shopping lay away. That is at the top of my list, so that will be taken care of and out of the way! WHOO HOO! .

I went on my much needed girls weekend last week. It was soo needed, and soo nice. We went to the little bar, and just had a good time sitting next to the camp fire all night. It was just a nice calm weekend. We actually went up Friday night and came home Sunday it was 2 nights away from my house. I of coursed missed my 2 guys, but not as much as I did last year. (Xavier was a baby)...this year was just nice. I think they liked having their "man weekend" together anyway! haha. Sooo cute.

Well, like I said before, the baby making is on just has to be. I need to get myself together...which I am going to turn this blog into. I hope that doesnt matter, and I hope everyone still enjoys my posts. I am still 100% going to blog about my experiences and getting DVT's and Pulmonary Awareness out there to everyone. I am just going to take you on my little journey to getting myself together, losing weight, and my life. I still plan on being open and honest about anything and everything...!


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Pennsylvania State Budget/Pittsburgh G-20.....lovely.

I feel like the world is going is fast forward lately, and my broke butt is sitting still. It is like I am sitting here waiting on the state to decide when they want to pass this budget so I can get paid. Im still not getting paid, and its really starting to hurt. It really is, I have no idea what we are going to do if something isnt done soon. Im sick of wondering when someone is going to do something. Then I sit here and think of the day cares that are not getting paid, there is always someone worse then me....and I try to remember that. As I try to remember that, my selfish side thinks "who cares" because the bill collectors are not going to excuse me because there is someone worse then me. lol.

Another worry I have is this G-20 summit is coming to Pittsburgh next week. I am so sick of hearing about it, but I just want it to get here and be done with. They are preparing so much for it, and all the security. Ugh...I just dont want the protests to be like they were at the last one in England (I think it was there). Then I do the craziest thing. I told everyone "We are not leaving the house those days...blah blah blah" I made Xavier and I doctor appts for next Thursday, the first day of it. Lovely. I had to though because Andrew took vacation days because of all this craziness...and that is the only time that I could get the doctor appointments out of the way. Lovely.

I am nervous about my doctor appt. I keep having a pain in my abdomen. I have myself convinced that I have Pancreatic Cancer...and now that Patrick Swayzie died, and that is all I am hearing about it makes me more nervous. I honestly think that it is a hernia from when I had my Gallbladder out, but I am still nervous because I have been soo tired lately and I just dont feel like doing anything. Then that can be from being broke and just being depressed about that. I always think something bad is wrong with me ever since I had the clots. I think of the worst because I always think "what else could go wrong with me." I hate it. I am wondering what is wrong with me though. I have more then a week to wait, and its killing me to see what my doctor says. He is probably going to think I am crazy. I know he is going to yell at me because I have gained weight and not lost any, but that goes with me not wanting to do anything, Im lucky I get dressed some days. I am on Zoloft, and I honestly dont think it is working, I either need more or I need something different. Another thing that I dont have is a sex drive. It seriously is just not there. It is not anything to do with Andrew or anything like that, it is just me. I hate it. I think I need a different kinda that is another thing that I need to talk to the doctor about. Sucks.

Okay, I am going to go chill out with Xavier. I have cramps from hell today and I just want to lay on the couch, but I know Xavier is not going to let me do that because he is just in a bad mood today. I hope me and him both can nap....I want to take a long long long nap. lol.


Monday, August 31, 2009


I swear these days go by soo slow, and there is still no light at the end of the "not signed budget". I feel like this blog is turning into me complaining about the budget, I didnt want this blog to be about me ranting about the money we have and dont have. i really wanted this to be about trying to have another baby and what i have to go through due to my health history....but i want this blog to be as real as possible, so this is what is going on in my life right now....and unfortunately that means trying to have another baby is on hold for right now. Hopefully that wont last for too much longer.

Andrew took Xavier with him to his dads this evening, that gives me some more quiet time. I wish I could go upstairs and take a nap, that is what I would really like to do, but Xavier emptied out his toy box all over the living room floor this afternoon, so that needs to be cleaned, then I have all the dishes from today to put in the dishwasher and get some dinner ready. UGH. I swear its never ending. I should be doing that now....but I just felt like sitting here blogging for a minute since tonight is going to be busy and I am hoping to get to bed earlier tonight. I stayed up til 2am this morning getting 2 digital scrap kits up in my store. I wanted to start a new one today but I just have no creativity left in me right now. I think one I get upstairs knowing I have a clean house I will be able to think about what I want to do next.

Okay, let me get this house cleaned...I dont want Andrew to come home to a messy house (again). haha.

talk later.

Saturday, August 29, 2009


I am so happy for cooler weather. I am completely ready for fall to get here. It is 100% my favorite time of the year. I havent updated in a few days, I just havent had the energy to do anything. Xavier and I spent the night at my mom and dads again Thursday night....and that is pretty much what has been going on. Im still waiting for Pennsylvania to sign the budget so I can get paid. I am so depressed that we have to be on such a tight budget. I have bills coming it and the more they come in the more depressed I get because I know we have 100% no money to spend after bills. I cant take it anymore. Its soo not fair, I cant believe how much we really rely on the babysitting money that was coming in. It just makes me sick. I guess PA is supposed to start talking more about it this week. If they dont do something this coming week there are going to be hundreds of day cares closing. I dont understand, if they passed a little bit of the budget to get state workers paid, why cant they pass another part of it to keep day cares going strong? It just doesnt make sense to me. If they close day cares people are going to have the quit their jobs because they have no where to send their kids. Why doesnt my state care about that? I would think that would be up there in priority with getting state works paid, but i guess it doesnt. I guess low income families are not on the minds of just saddens me.

We really have no big plans this weekend. I think we are going to go to Andrews moms house across the street tonight for awhile to visit. Its soo weird, we live soo close to them yet we hardly see them. I feel bad, its just that our lives are soo busy. I would think it would be the other way around, we would see them more then my parents, its odd....I think its because they have 2 younger girls and they always have something going on.

Im still trying to ignore the pain in my right leg. I really dont understand why it keeps hurting the way it does. Im annoyed by it, I really am. It is doing nothing but getting worse, but what do i do? There is no color change, no swelling, just hurting. I guess I have to live with it. It just makes me wonder. I am so scared there is something else going on in there, but the hospital said my legs were clear of clots. I am trying to walk more....but the more depressed I get over money and things like that, the more I dont want to do it just makes it harder. I really hate being an adult at times....I really do.

Hopefully we will have some good news soon. Until then TTC#2 is on hold...Ill keep everyone updated on that. Life.


Monday, August 24, 2009


Anyone else have a cat/dog food eater running around your house? UGH! Xavier has been doing this nasty habit since he got teeth. He has always been interested in the cat food...its like we don't feed him and the lovely smell of cat food just tempts him?! LOL. What do kids see in this awfulness? The smell doesn't even make me want to try it. It just stinks! What would make a kid that wont even eat his veggies put this in his mouth and actually get it down? Its my wonder today....since I got a chewed up piece of cat food thrown at me. UGH. I am to the point that I don't even tell him not to do it...well at least not while he is in the process. Seriously, I used to be like "dont even go near it" now Im like "if you wanna eat it, eat it" Is that bad? LMAO! It isnt going to hurt him. Im not feeding it to him, but Im sure enough not going to waste my breath saying "Xavier dont eat the cat food" a million times a day. I will correct him if he is throwing it at me (lol) or trying to get the crap out of his mouth. Then I will say "are you going to eat that gross stuff again" and I usually get a head shake "yes". UGH. Some might say I am wrong for doing what I do.......please feel free to tell me how wrong/right I am.......but if you tell me how wrong i am please also tell me how I should stop it!


Sunday, August 23, 2009

Shhh....what is that I hear.....


That is what I heard all evening....thanks to my wonderful husband. He took Xavier with him to his friends to watch WWE. Once a month WWE holds a Pay Per View, and that his Andrews friends excuse to get together since they are so busy and have "adult" lives now. So once a month they get together, and now Xavier is joining the "guys night out" and I love it. Because I get a quiet Sunday home alone. I havent had a night like this in months, and I really enjoyed myself. I got some things done for my digital kits, and I got caught up on emails, and stuff like that...and I have also got caught up on some of my TV watching.

I was never a "Sex and the City" kinda gal when it was popular, but it comes on at 10am in the morning, and sometimes Xavier will be playing and not paying attention so I would put it on and watch it while I have my morning coffee....well I am addicted. Why did I not discover this show years ago. Well I now DVR it everyday and watch it during nap time or any chance I get when Xavier isnt around. That is the greatest show ever. I really need to watch the movie. I am trying to watch as many shows as i can (which has been a lot) before I watch the movie....but I am such a fan, and I swear its the greatest show ever. Plain and simple.....EVER! If you disagree with me, then you are not a human women! hahaha. (just joking....sorta)

So I admit, I facebook stalk people. I wish I could post pictures of people that I stalk on here, but of course I wouldnt do that, but its great. People that were soo different in high school are completely different now. Then you have the people that never change. It amuses me. I am sure that I have a few stalkers too...but I am pretty boring, so Im sure that I dont get stalked too much.

Well, my 2 favorite guys should be walking through the door at any minute....and I am really excited to see them. I will blog more tomorrow.

Cross your fingers the Pennsylvania passes the State Budget this week....I really need the money soon! I think I am going to say that in every blog until it passes or something happens. Ill keep you posted. I will blog more tomorrow.


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Who throws away that?!

Before I make this post, let me start by saying this, if I ever complain about anyone in my family, I love them all dearly, but that doesnt mean that I have my "dislike" moments. I get along with my family....we just have our moments...I mean, who doesnt? lol.

That being said I stayed over my mom and dads again on Thursday night. I love staying over there because it gets me out of the house and I get to visit them. Not to mention I bring our clothes for the week to wash because we dont have a washer and dryer in our house, we dont have hookups or else we would, because its a really big PITA.

We go into my mom and dads and I knew it was going to be a long 24 hours because the house was at sub zero....! Seriously. When the temp reaches 70 degrees my dad thinks its time to put the AC on full blast until the summer is over and its below 70 degrees again. It was freezing. Not just cold...freezing. Feeling cold down to your bones freezing. Who does that! I cant stand being cold, and of you complain its like the biggest NO NO ever. It drives me crazy. So I bring Xavier his winter PJ's when we stay down there, and I hide under a blanket the whole time, because as much as i LOVE to be cold...its too cold. Plain and simple.

So I go in to go to the bathroom and I happen to look in the trash, there was a roll of toilet paper in the garbage with toilet paper on it. It was the only thing in the garbage so I thought I might have knocked it in there. Im trying to think how I could explain how must TP was left on the roll....lets just say enough for a women to use it to wipe about 5 times of TT' a good amount was left. I used some, then later that afternoon went back was back in the garbage. So I brought it out and asked "Why do you throw away TP with this much left on the roll?" My mom said "your dad does that all the time and I dont understand it." OMG I wanted to flip out...its hard enough purchasing something that you are just going to wipe your bootay with and throw away in the first place, but to throw any amount of unused away and not think twice about it? It just makes me crazy. I swear my dad has no concept of money.

Its little things like that, that drive me crazy when I go down there. Andrew and I are just getting by right now...barely making it because we are so used to getting my babysitting money from the state....but until we start getting that money again (whenever our darn governer signs PA's yearly budget) we are on a budget....a strict one. So when I go down to my parents and see stuff like that, and get told about him buying things for his ham radios, things that are useless to me, and cost a couple hundred dollars I get a little mad...its not jealously...its just I dont want to hear about what you are buying when you KNOW that we are on this budget. Its not our fault that we live in PA and my pay is held up until this budget is signed, but that is how it is. Andrew and I are starting to have a hard time because we didnt realize how dependent we were on getting my paycheck everymonth. Ugh. I cant stand people that dont have a concept of money and just throw it out the window like its nothing.

My mom and dad struggled when raising me. They had really hard times...who doesnt? Its like my dad forgets about those times, and acts like Andrew and I are doing something wrong. Then we hear that we need to buy a house. I am sorry, no one NEEDS to buy a house. Some people dont. I think its very mature of Andrew and I to say "we are not ready to purchase a house" rather then going out, purchasing one, and loosing it. Does that make sense? My dad doesnt understand what goes into buying a house....I used to do that for a living, so I know...and we are not ready. Right now, if something breaks, someone comes and fixes it and we dont have to worry about the money and the cost. If we owned a house right now and something broke we would be screwed. We are not ready for all that. Being some what broke and then hearing that we NEED to buy a house is not something I want to hear, and when we go down there to visit and hear all that just drives me crazy.

That is my rant of the day, I just needed to get that out. I have soo much to blog about this weekend, but Im going to save some for later. I am going to work on some of my digital scrapping kits, and enjoy this lazy day with my little family.


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Our tires are not slashed!

What more could a family that is down to one income because our lovely state can not come to an agreement on a budget.....2 brand new tires slashed. Yup....we get $900 worth of tires put on our SUV 2 weeks ago, and 2 of them are now slashed. Lovely. What kinda person does that kinda random act? Were you not hugged enough as a child....or was it a child. A child that is screaming for some sort of attention?! Either way, Im pissed. Andrew had to use a vacation day, that way we could go rent a car....and we thought we would be able to talk to our insurance company, get in, pay our $100 deductible and be on our way with 2 new tires. I was wrong...wrong wrong wrong. State Farm didnt even call us back to talk about the Claim today. Here, it takes them 24-72 hours. FOR SOME FREAKING TIRES! The good thing about the rental...its only $4.75 a day.....well plus the $100 hold they have on my account. *rolls eyes* Like I am going to steal a car...I dont want the piece of shit, I want 2 new tires and to beat the ass of the lil'kid or who ever stabbed our tires to their early demise. Im beyond pissed. I swear everytime we get one step ahead something pushes us back down the steps.

Now about this Pennsylvania Budget. Now that they signed the part where the state employees get paid no one cares about it. I watch my niece, and now that the state hasnt signed the budget the grant for the program they use to pay me is not NO MONEY. I am missing that pay check. That is a big part of our survival in this world. How do you just take that away. Now a lot of preschools and day cares might have to close because they cant pay their employees. I just dont get it....people that have money dont care about the people on a budget. Sometimes I feel like we are the only one on a tight budget. Anyone else out there willing to kill for an extra $100? lmao.

No matter what I seem to do, all I keep thinking about is our SUV just sitting there off to one side looking soo sad....then I think "we are down $100 this month that we really didnt have to begin with" and I want to crawl in bed and lay there....but I cant....I have to be strong and just figure things out. So much for "wanting to be an adult" all those years.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Peace and Quiet....for now

Oh thank goodness, the boy is finally sleeping. I swear to goodness he was soo tired he just wouldnt fall asleep. He would cry and cry. He is sleep in the middle of Andrew and I, and I dont dare move him. He went to sleep earlier this evening, it gave me a hour of quiet to watch Big Brother. Andrew came back downstairs with me for the hour. I went up at 10pm peeked in at him and he scared me, he was sitting up in bed looking of course he followed me back into our room. Then he cried and cried cause I couldnt hold him and he wanted me to hold him. My leg is still giving me trouble and seems to be getting worse, I dont know whats up with that one, but everytime I would get comfy to have Xavier lay on me, of course he didnt want to lay on me anymore. It just annoyed me after doing it so many times I told him "no more" and let him cry it out til he fell asleep. I feel bad, but there is no way he can sit on my leg right now.

I dont know why the heck it is hurting so bad. Last year when I had the DVT, I went to one hospital and they sent me home after doing the doppler saying I was fine, the next day when I went to the other hospital the saw the clot. I went to the same hospital last night that found it the last time (and we still wonder how the first hospital didnt find anything) anyway, I am scared something is still developing because of how it hurts. I keep watching for the color changes/swelling but so far nothing. I have no idea what could be making it hurt like this. It even hurts when I get up to walk it out, which walking it out would clear it up last week this time. Im starting to get annoyed.

My goal tonight was to get 2 digital kits up in my store...but I didnt, I only got one....Xaviers crying and Andrews snoring just put me in a mood, and I am too tired to deal with anything. I am happy I got one up....hopefully tomorrow I will get to work on some more things and get caught up.

Okay, its 12am and I really want to lay down and get comfy. I am debating if I want to wake Andrew up to put Xavier into his bed...I dont dare do that, everytime I go to move that boy he wakes up, so I made it Andrews job. (lol)

night night,



Xavier saying Banana.....finally a video! WHOO HOOO!


I have been trying to figure out how to promote a blog to get readers....maybe no one wants to read my blog....oh well! haha. This is my little outlet. I haven't even given my hubby my blog address... honestly, i dont even think he knows that I blog. ha.

Its nap time...YAY. I should be cleaning the living room, There are plastic toys everywhere....It really looks like toys r us threw up. Its annoying. I am trying to teach Xavier that he needs to pick up. He will help when I do it, but other then that he doesn't. After he is done playing with one toy he just leaves it and goes on to the next. Sometimes I just sit here and watch him wondering what is going on in the little mind of his. He is soo funny.

I need to figure out how to post the video of him saying "banana". It is soo funny. I think he thinks he is saying it because in his lil'mind it sounds like he is saying it. I swear its the cutest little video. I havent even figured out how to post pictures. I am trying to dress up my blog a bit. I am looking for pictures and stuff to make it look pretty and up to date...if that makes any sorta sense. I want make a banner with one of those cute cartoon girls on it...but I cant seem to find a site that has them to use for free...heck I cant even find a site with them! haha. If anyone knows/understands what I am going on and on about just leave me a comment. It would be wonderful.

Time for me to clean, do my daily exercise, and get lunch for the boy when he decides to wake up. Ill blog more later......


Monday, August 17, 2009

a visit to the er.

I spent a few hours in the ER tonight. For the past week I havent really said anything to anyone cause I thought I was sitting/sleeping wrong. I have hadd this pain keep grabbing in my lower leg, what kinda feels like a "charlie horse". I thought it would stop so that is why I just ignored it. Well it used to get better if I stood up and walked around, but lately I noticed it not getting better and it didnt matter what I did, it would show I decided I needed to visit the ER and get a doppler done on my lower leg. I just kept thinking if I didnt go, and something did happen, I am home alone with Xavier all day, and I didnt want something to happen to put him in harms way....! Well, I went and I have NO CLOTS! *claps* I was happy to hear that. I still dont know why I am having those pains, the doctor said I could of pulled it, but I dont think I did. I dont know. They also said it could be from last year....who knows. I told him I didnt care what the heck it was as long as I didnt have clots. So Im fine. Thank goodness. When I got there, there were 52 people waiting, and only 31 rooms..and they were all full....thank goodness with my background I got right in and right out. I knew everything too...I am soo used to being there, I knew my history, I told them as it was and that was it. There were people mad and I got soo many dirty looks because they were there sooo much longer then I was....I was in and out. I just dont think people understand that if you go the ER for a hurt toe and especially a very busy ER at that, you are going to be on the bottom of the list....its just that simple. I dont understand what is so hard to understand about that. UGH....oh well...Im healthy and that is all that matters to me.

I came home and Xavier was soo happy to see me. I just can eat him up. I swear he is the cutest little boy on the planet....yea yea yea, I know every mom says that about their kids. LOL. I put on some Yo Gabba Gabba for him, and we stayed downstairs a little longer tonight since I wanted to be close to him for awhile since I left him and Andrew at home while I went to the ER. There was no reason for anyone else to go but me, I knew what they were going to do, and if I needed anything the ER is practiclly in walking distance of our home. No Biggie.

Im thinking about spending the night at my mom and dads again Thursday night. I enjoy getting out of the house w/Xavier. Even though I miss Andrew like crazy and have to sleep in a little single bed (with xavier curled up next to me) its nice to have the day with my mom. I always feel bad asking her if she is doing anything. I know she LOVES when we come down, but I dont want her to feel like she has to agree to us coming down every Friday, since it is her day off. She works 4 10 hour days and gets off Friday-Monday. It just makes life so much easier for me and Andrew because we spend the night/the day down there and that means Andrew and I are free from having to go down and visit on his 2 days off....since we usually have so much running around to do ourselves.

Okay, my 2 men are snoring next to me and I think I am going to catch some zzzz's myself. I just want to cuddle up next to them and be thankful that I have them both in my life. Night night.



After I had the DVT in my leg my team of doctors told me there is a chance my leg could never be the same again...meaning if i sit/stand/walk/run whatever too much it can hurt and I might have that pain for the rest of my life. I thought I was lucky because I had none of that, I was perfectly normal. Well, the past few weeks, if I sit too long, my leg aches. It hurts and its not a painful hurt, its more of an annoying stabbing pain. I get upset everytime it does it because it brings back so many bad memories for me. Its not even the same pain as when I had the blood clots, It just reminds me of it. I dont know why it hurts like that. It makes me scared because I am always thinking that I am going to develope clots again. Why would I have this pain if something is not happening in there? Its honestly not even in the same location as where I had the DVT...its lower, and I think that is what scares me more. I dont know if I should call the doctor or just keep walking it out like I have been doing. Its not constant, and its not doing anything that they told me to watch out for. I guess I just have to learn that I will never be the "same" again. I am always going to be a survivor, and I am always going to have that in my past, and its something that I have to learn to live with....and that I am going to have side effects from everything. The nightmares are always going to be there, the memories of sitting in ICU, all the noises from the other patients that were in there....all the scary memories, and even the funny ones. I just wish I could block some of them out and go on with my life. I never thought any of that would of had as much impact on my life as it does. Everyday I think about it.

Its like after I had all that happen to me I never want to be away from Xavier or Andrew. As much as I love spending Thursday nights at my moms, I hate leaving Andrew for the night. The only thing that gets me through is being with Xavier. I honestly dont know how parents can leave their children for even a night with someone. I just cant bring myself to do it. I think I still have the guilt of being in the hospital for 12 days when Xavier was only a month old. Yes, I got to see him every night because Andrew would bring him up for me....but that wasnt enough. I just have this guilt that no one understands that I wasnt there for him when he was a month old. I feel guilty, that time is supposed to be all about him, but it wasnt, it was all about me. I get asked all the time if we need a babysitter for the night for Andrew and I to go out and everything and I make up excuses or just say "no" because I can not leave him. I hear all the time that peoples kids went away for the night and they had the house to themselves, and I just dont get it. I cant bring myself to do that. I feel selfish doing that, because I am a mommy now and yes, I understand that Andrew and I need time to, but that is what after he goes to bed is for. I cant imagine not having him to wake up to...or him crawling in our bed in the middle of the night. I just cant do it. I am not knocking anyone that does this, I am sort of jealous in a way that people can do this, but mentally, I am not ready yet. I know I should try to leave him more, and Im trying to bring myself to do this, but I just cant right yet. Andrew and I have left him 2 times since he was born...thats it. 2 times in 18 months....and I even feel guilty about that.


Sunday, August 16, 2009

passed out.

Whoa...was this a busy weekend....but it was a really nice weekend, and I think Andrew and I needed that. Today was Riley's second birthday as I wrote earlier. We were at Andrews moms from around 1:30pm-7:45pm. Its nice though because Xavier passed out literally as soon as we walked back over to our house and has been sleep ever since. Its soo funny, he is in his bed fully dressed from today...cake stains and all. lol.

I never realized how nice it is to have a child in bed by 8pm. I think this is the first time in months that this has happened. It is just so quiet, I think even the cats are enjoying it. Tobie (the middle child cat) is laying on the bed half sleep just looked at me like "where is the boy"? Too Cute.

I just wanted to check in with my bloggers, I am going to enjoy the quiet and hope that Xavier sleeps through the night in his own bed.

Sweet Dreams



All this time waiting for my period, she makes her grand entrance and I swear its the worse one in forever. I just feel like crap-o. Ugh.

Last night Xavier came into bed with us sometime in the middle of the night. It was cute because this morning he woke up around 9am. Andrew woke up but faked sleep. He said Xavier went into his bedroom, turned on the tv....he could hear the news on for a minute, then some cartoons, then he made his way on the tv to the Disney Channel, and then it stayed there, and he could hear X in his room playing! How cute is that! I cant believe he did that, I mean, he is only 18 months old! I just think that is the cutest....he let us sleep.

I have to get up out of bed and make my way to Walgreens. I need to get some wrapping paper for Rye's gift. They are having cake and icecream at Andrews Moms house (right acrossed the street from us) around 2pm this afternoon. Xavier picked out her birthday gift, a little cabbage patch doll....I know Rye is going to love it, especially since she carried around Xaviers ugly little stuffed thing around like a baby! haha.

Okay, time for me to get my bootay out of bed and get this day started. Fun Fun!


Saturday, August 15, 2009


Im sorta disappointed...but then again I know things will happen when the time is you can tell....5 days lovely monthly visitor came today. I figured it would...but I was hoping it wouldnt. I mean, 5 days late, it never does that...never ever ever late...and not that late at all! Oh well, I am thankful I have the worlds greatest husband, and the best little boy ever. I honestly couldnt be more thankful and more happy about that. I ust keep telling myself when the time is right our family will expand. I am trying not to think about it or dwell on it that bad, because if I did that, I wouldnt enjoy the this time with Andrew and Xavier.

On a positive not, we took Xavier to the water spray park in our area today. It was soo fun, Xavier had a blast. I loved watching him run around and play. At first he wasnt sure about all......he just stood there, but then he watched what all the other little kids were doing and he started. I think Andrew and I were more tired from chasing after him. He wore himself out though....he really did. Its 10pm and this boy is passed out right in the middle of us. He is going to go in his bed tonight, I bet he makes it all night in his room, that is how tired he is. Usually around 5am he wonders in with Andrew and I. Its soo cute watching him come in with his blankie or stuffed animal (or both). I love it.

I am going to enjoy some of this quiet time, it is rare that X is sleep at 10pm on a Saturday night, so I am going to enjoy it with Andrew. Maybe there is something interesting on TV (yea right).



My period is still MIA! What is up with that? I have no idea where she can be hiding out at. I woke up this morning with a huge headache and I figured she would be showing her face, nothing...and to top it off I am still getting negative tests. I have no idea what can be going on. Im like 4-5 days late. I am NEVER late. I dont think I have ever been late (besides when I was pregnant with X) since I started my period when i was 10 years old. Hmmmm.

Today we are going to the "water spray park" with Xavier. He is going to have soo much fun. I have never been to one, and they put one in around our area and its fun is that. Its going up to like 88 degrees today, so I know we are all going to be enjoying the water. I am going to take lotta pix, so I will add some to my blog for everyone to enjoy, and you can finally put a picture to everyone I am talking about.

Tomorrow is our Niece's birthday. She is going to be 2. I babysit her during the week. I am going out later tonight to get her a gift. She has been carrying around Xaviers stuffed Captin Kurt doll (dont ask....someone got it out of a grab machine and gave it to him) so I figure the little girl needs a babydoll. What amazed me, I went to the Walmart website and they do not carry Cabbage Patch. I thought everyone carried them. Then I looked up toys r us, same thing. TARGET is the only one that I can find that carries a good amount of cabbage patch dolls. I couldnt believe it. I am so happy I looked it up or else I would be running around tonight...and I am just not in the mood to do that.

Time for me to jump in the shower and get ready to take this boy to the park. I think I am more excited then anyone!!!


Friday, August 14, 2009

Lucky Me.

I am sitting at my parents. I just want to dad has no sense in how we raise Xavier. We have him on a schedule for breakfast/lunch/dinner, naps, pretty much everything, and he doesnt understand the fact that once he is off of it, it screws us up for days. He is ignorant to everything. I ask him not to do something, and he does it anyway....he doesnt understand that we do things differently....and Xavier is turning out pretty darn good as the result. I just cant take it here. I stay here a lot of Thursday nights that way we are here all day Friday....and Andrew comes past and picks us up once he is off work. Im really rethinking all this because it honestly only causes me more stress that I dont need right now. I just cant take it.

As for my period....its still not here. I dont know where its at, I dont know whats going on. I woke up feeling as if I was going to get it, but NOTHING. I have no idea what to think about the whole situation. I dont want to set myself up for disappointment. I am still thinking it is going to come...if I start thinking its not going to come and it does I think I will be nothing but sad. So I am just waiting....I will probably test again tomorrow morning if it of course is still MIA. Keep your fingers crossed for me that something happens...either way...just so we arent driving ourselves crazy playing guessing games.

Well time to make the best of this day at my moms with a million other thoughts running through my mind. lucky me. ugh.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Jumping into this.

I figure I would jump right into blogging. Im sitting here going crazy. Andrew and I have been sorta trying for a new baby for a few months. I say "sorta" because we are just having fun with it, since we know 100% this will be our last pregnancy. Well, my period is the norm....every 28 days. Its always like clock work. Well of course this month, I am 3 days late. I have been testing every morning with the dollar store tests...believe me, they work...I got results a week early with Xavier. Well, no period, negative on all the tests. I have been stressed this week for the normal, all that adult stuff. Usually stress doesnt bother me like that. Well, I am really hoping that I get a postive pregnancy test and good ol'auntie stays away, but Im starting to think its just stress. I dont know if its "our time" yet. Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish in even wanting another baby. I mean, Andrew and I have a perfect baby.....we couldnt ask for more. With the chances we are taking in having another one, is it worth it. I ask myself that from time to time. I mean, am I really ready to give myself shots in my tummy throughout the whole pregnancy. Im scared. I know I can do it because I have done it before...but what if I get the morning sickness like I did with Xavier. I mean, I had morning sickness soo bad for 18 weeks, I lost 20lbs. I couldnt keep anything down but cheez-its, everyone thought Xavier was going to come out square and orange. I mean, with that morning sickness I know I couldnt give myself those shots, it would probably make me puke. UGH. Maybe I would have Andrews mom do it since she is a nurse and lives acrossed the street from me, or maybe even show Andrew how to do it? I dont know, I guess its something I really should start thinking about. Its little things like that, that makes me wonder "am i really ready for a 2nd child". I know I am ready, but am i READY for everything that is going to go into this pregnancy. Its a hard decision, and one that I am ready to make, I just know this pregnancy is going to be harder then Xavier...even if I dont have the morning sickness. Im just rambling on and on, but these are the thoughts that I have. As I sit here not knowing if I have a little one growing inside me, or if AF is just playing a dirty little joke on me....I wonder.....wonder.....wonder.....


Caught up.

I thought I would start a blog, just to document how I feel...kinda like a little outlet. Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Nikki, I have been married to the love of my life, Andrew, for a little over 3 years. We had our first little boy, Xavier, on Feb 15th, 2008. He is the love of our lives. We just couldnt of asked for a better little boy, I swear he is our everything.

A month after I had Xavier (I had him c-section) I developed a pain in my leg. I couldnt walk but I just thought it had to do with the c-section. To make a long story short (if you want the whole story, please feel free to email me) I developed a DVT in my leg from my groin to my knee (blood clot) and a piece of that broke off and I had a Pulmonary Embolism (clot in my lung.) I almost didnt make it, after 4 days in ICU, getting an IVC Filter in my vein, and getting my blood thin enough to come home....I 12 day stay in the hosital I was released. I was on Coumadin for almost a year, and finally got my IVC Fliter out....and now I am healthy. Although the scary thoughts of everything returning haunts me every day of my life.

I am a stay at home mommy to Xavier. I also watch my niece during the week. I love it, and I couldnt ask for a better job.

My doctor tells me that if I get pregnant again, I will have to take shots of Heparin in my belly every 8 hours (i dont know the full details of that yet). Andrew and I talked it over and are really willing to do whatever is possible to give Xavier a playmate. Yes, some people think I should wait a few more years, I think those people are just scared of what happened to me before. The time is right for Andrew and I to start trying...which we have been for a few months for another baby. We dont want my doctors to downplay what happened to me before, or else, have to get new doctors years down the we think this is the right time to start trying to have a baby.

This blog is going to be my thoughts, and tries. I am not going to hold anything back. I want everyone that has gone through a DVT/Pulmonary Embolism that wants to get pregnant again to have someone to look up to, and to go to for questions and just follow. I want everyone that has had this happen to them know there is hope and anything is possible as long as you put your mind to it!